MARIA
Nay, I , put on this gown and this beard; make him believe art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.
CLOWN
Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said, an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say, a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
SIR TOBY
Jove bless , Master Parson.
CLOWN
Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is’: so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is ‘that’ but ‘that’? and ‘is’ but ‘is’?
SIR TOBY
To him, Sir Topas.
CLOWN
What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!
SIR TOBY
The counterfeits well. A good .
MALVOLIO
Who calls there?
CLOWN
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
CLOWN
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest this man? Talkest nothing but of ladies?
SIR TOBY
Well said, Master Parson.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.
CLOWN
Fie, dishonest Satan! I call by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Say’st that house is dark?
MALVOLIO
As hell, Sir Topas.
CLOWN
Why, it bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest of obstruction?
MALVOLIO
I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.
CLOWN
Madman, errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO
I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.
CLOWN
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?
MALVOLIO
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
CLOWN
What think’st of his opinion?
MALVOLIO
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
CLOWN
Fare well. Remain still in darkness. hold the opinion of Pythagoras I will allow of wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest dispossess the soul of grandam. Fare well.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY
My most exquisite Sir Topas!
CLOWN
Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA
mightst have done this without beard and gown. He sees not.
SIR TOBY
To him in own voice, and bring me word how find’st him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
CLOWN
Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how lady does.
MALVOLIO
Fool!
CLOWN
My lady is unkind, perdy.
MALVOLIO
Fool!
CLOWN
Alas, why is she so?
MALVOLIO
Fool, I say!
CLOWN
She loves another—
Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO
Good fool, as ever wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to for’t.
CLOWN
Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Ay, good fool.
CLOWN
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
MALVOLIO
Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused. I am as well in my wits, fool, as art.
CLOWN
But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.
MALVOLIO
They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.
CLOWN
Advise you what you say: the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, wits the heavens restore. Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave vain bibble-babble.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas!
CLOWN
Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas. Marry, amen. I will sir, I will.
MALVOLIO
Fool, fool, fool, I say!
CLOWN
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
CLOWN
Well-a-day that you were, sir!
MALVOLIO
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage more than ever the bearing of letter did.
CLOWN
I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
MALVOLIO
Believe me, I am not. I tell true.
CLOWN
Nay, I’ll believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.
MALVOLIO
Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree: I be gone.
CLOWN
I am gone, sir, and , sir,
I’ll be with you again,
In a trice, like to the old Vice,
Your need to sustain;
Who with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath,
Cries ‘ah, ha!’ to the devil:
Like a mad lad, ‘Pare nails, dad.
Adieu, goodman devil.’