DOGBERRY
Is our whole dissembly appeared?
VERGES
O! a stool and a cushion for the sexton.
SEXTON
Which be the malefactors?
DOGBERRY
Marry, that am I and my partner.
VERGES
Nay, that’s certain: we have the exhibition to examine.
SEXTON
But which are the offenders that are to be examined? let them come before Master Constable.
DOGBERRY
Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is your name, friend?
BORACHIO
Borachio.
DOGBERRY
Pray write down Borachio. Yours, ?
CONRADE
I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.
DOGBERRY
Write down Master gentleman Conrade. Masters, do you serve God?
BOTH
Yea, sir, we hope.
DOGBERRY
Write down that they hope they serve God: and write God first; for God defend but God should go before such villains! Masters, it is proved already that you are little better than false knaves, and it will go near to be thought so shortly. How answer you for yourselves?
CONRADE
Marry, sir, we say we are none.
DOGBERRY
A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you; but I will go about with him. Come you , ; a word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought you are false knaves.
BORACHIO
Sir, I say to you we are none.
DOGBERRY
Well, stand aside. Fore God, they are both in a tale. Have you writ down, that they are none?
SEXTON
Master Constable, you go not the way to examine: you must call forth the watch that are their accusers.
DOGBERRY
Yea, marry, that’s the eftest way. Let the watch come forth. Masters, I charge you, in the Prince’s name, accuse these men.
FIRST WATCH
This man said, sir, that Don John, the Prince’s brother, was a villain.
DOGBERRY
Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flat perjury, to call a Prince’s brother villain.
BORACHIO
Master Constable,—
DOGBERRY
Pray , fellow, peace: I do not like look, I promise .
SEXTON
What heard you him say else?
SECOND WATCH
Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats of Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.
DOGBERRY
Flat burglary as ever was committed.
VERGES
Yea, by the mass, that it is.
SEXTON
What else, fellow?
FIRST WATCH
And that Count Claudio did mean, upon his words, to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly, and not marry her.
DOGBERRY
O villain! wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this.
SEXTON
What else?
SECOND WATCH
This is all.
SEXTON
And this is more, masters, than you can deny. Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away: Hero was in this manner accused, in this manner refused, and, upon the grief of this, suddenly died. Master Constable, let these men be bound, and brought to Leonato’s: I will go before and show him their examination.
DOGBERRY
Come, let them be opinioned.
VERGES
Let them be in the hands—
CONRADE
Off, coxcomb!
DOGBERRY
God’s my life! where’s the sexton? let him write down the Prince’s officer coxcomb. Come, bind them. naughty varlet!
CONRADE
Away! you are an ass; you are an ass.
DOGBERRY
not suspect my place? not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! but, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, villain, art full of piety, as shall be proved upon by good witness. I am a wise fellow; and, which is more, an officer; and, which is more, a householder; and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any in Messina; and one that knows the law, go to; and a rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that had losses; and one that two gowns, and everything handsome about him. Bring him away. O that I had been writ down an ass!