EVANS
I pray you now, good Master Slender’s servingman, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
EVANS
I most fehemently desire you, you will also look that way.
SIMPLE
I will, Sir.
EVANS
Pless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good opportunities for the ’ork. Pless my soul!
EVANS
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals.
There will we make our peds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow—
Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry.
EVANS
Melodious birds sing madrigals—
Whenas I sat in Pabylon—
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.
SIMPLE
Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
EVANS
He’s welcome.
EVANS
To shallow rivers, to whose falls—
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
SIMPLE
No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.
EVANS
Pray you, give me my gown—or else keep it in your arms.
SHALLOW
How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.
SLENDER
Ah, sweet Anne Page!
PAGE
God save you, good Sir Hugh!
EVANS
God pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
SHALLOW
What, the sword and the word? Do you study them both, Master Parson?
PAGE
And youthful still—in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day?
EVANS
There is reasons and causes for it.
PAGE
We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.
EVANS
Fery well; what is it?
PAGE
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman who, having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.
SHALLOW
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect.
EVANS
What is he?
PAGE
I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.
EVANS
Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
PAGE
Why?
EVANS
He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen, and he is a besides, a cowardly as you would desires to be acquainted .
PAGE
I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.
SLENDER
O, sweet Anne Page!
SHALLOW
It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder. Here comes Doctor Caius.
PAGE
Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.
SHALLOW
So do you, good Master Doctor.
HOST
Disarm them, and let them question. Let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English.
CAIUS
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear. Verefore will you not meet-a me?
EVANS
Pray you, use your patience. In good time.
CAIUS
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
EVANS
Pray you, let us not be laughing stocks to other men’s humours. I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
By Jeshu, I will knog your urinal about your knave’s cogscomb.
CAIUS
Diable! Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer, have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?
EVANS
As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this is the place appointed. I’ll be judgment by mine host of the Garter.
HOST
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!
CAIUS
Ay, dat is very good; excellent.
HOST
Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me hand, terrestrial; so. Give me hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both. I have directed you to wrong places. Your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace, follow, follow, follow.
SHALLOW
Afore God, a mad host! Follow, gentlemen, follow.
SLENDER
O, sweet Anne Page!
CAIUS
Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?
EVANS
This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends, and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
CAIUS
By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
EVANS
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.