FALSTAFF
Mine host of the Garter!
HOST
What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
HOST
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier. Let them wag; trot, trot.
FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.
HOST
Thou’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw, he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine host.
HOST
I have spoke, let him follow.—Let me see froth and lime. I am at a word, follow.
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go, adieu.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight, wilt the spigot wield?
NYM
He was gotten in drink. Is not the conceited?
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. His thefts were too open. His filching was like an unskilful singer, he kept not time.
NYM
The good is to steal at a minute’s rest.
PISTOL
“Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal?” Foh! A fico for the phrase!
FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
PISTOL
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy, I must cony-catch, I must shift.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL
I ken the wight, he is of substance good.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
PISTOL
Two yards, and more.
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about, but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation. I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
PISTOL
He studied her will and translated her will—out of honesty into English.
NYM
The anchor is deep. Will that pass?
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse. He a legion of angels.
PISTOL
As many devils entertain, and “To her, boy,” say I.
NYM
The rises; it is good. me the angels.
FALSTAFF
I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
PISTOL
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
NYM
I thank for that .
FALSTAFF
O, she did so course my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear this letter to Mistress Page;—and this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
NYM
I will run no base . Here, take the humour-letter. I will keep the ’haviour of reputation.
FALSTAFF
Hold, , bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.—
Rogues, , avaunt! Vanish like hailstones, go!
Trudge, plod away o’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the of this age:
French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
PISTOL
Let vultures gripe guts! For gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguile the rich and poor.
Tester I’ll have in pouch when lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM
I have operations in my head which be humours of revenge.
PISTOL
Wilt revenge?
NYM
By welkin and her star!
PISTOL
With wit or steel?
NYM
With both the humours, I.
I will discuss the of this love to Ford.
PISTOL
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
NYM
My shall not cool. I will incense Ford to deal with poison, I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my true .
PISTOL
art the Mars of malcontents. I second . Troop on.