PRINCESS
Sweet hearts, we shall be rich we depart,
If fairings come thus plentifully in.
A lady walled about with diamonds!
Look you what I have from the loving King.
ROSALINE
Madam, came nothing else along with that?
PRINCESS
Nothing but this? Yes, as much love in rhyme
As would be crammed up in a sheet of paper
Writ o’ both sides the leaf, margent and all,
That he was to seal on Cupid’s name.
ROSALINE
That was the way to make his godhead wax,
For he been five thousand years a boy.
KATHARINE
Ay, and a shrewd unhappy gallows too.
ROSALINE
You’ll be friends with him. He killed your sister.
KATHARINE
He made her melancholy, sad, and heavy;
And so she died. Had she been light, like you,
Of such a merry, nimble, stirring spirit,
She might ha’ been a grandam she died.
And so may you, for a light heart lives long.
ROSALINE
What’s your dark meaning, mouse, of this light word?
KATHARINE
A light condition in a beauty dark.
ROSALINE
We need more light to find your meaning out.
KATHARINE
You’ll mar the light by taking it in snuff;
Therefore I’ll darkly end the argument.
ROSALINE
Look what you do, you do it still i’ th’ dark.
KATHARINE
So do not you, for you are a light .
ROSALINE
Indeed, I weigh not you, and therefore light.
KATHARINE
You weigh me not? O, that’s you care not for me.
ROSALINE
Great reason, for past cure is still past care.
PRINCESS
Well bandied both; a set of wit well played.
But, Rosaline, you have a favour too.
Who sent it? And what is it?
ROSALINE
I would you knew.
An if my face were but as fair as yours,
My favour were as great. Be witness this.
Nay, I have verses too, I thank Berowne;
The numbers true, and, were the numbering too,
I were the fairest goddess on the ground.
I am compared to twenty thousand fairs.
O, he drawn my picture in his letter.
PRINCESS
Anything like?
ROSALINE
Much in the letters, nothing in the praise.
PRINCESS
Beauteous as ink: a good conclusion.
KATHARINE
Fair as a text B in a copy-book.
ROSALINE
’Ware pencils, how! Let me not die your debtor,
My red dominical, my golden letter.
O, that your face were not so full of O’s!
PRINCESS
A pox of that jest! And beshrew all shrews.
But, Katharine, what was sent to you from fair Dumaine?
KATHARINE
Madam, this glove.
PRINCESS
Did he not send you twain?
KATHARINE
Yes, madam, and moreover,
Some thousand verses of a faithful lover.
A huge translation of hypocrisy,
Vilely compiled, profound simplicity.
MARIA
This, and these pearls, to me sent Longaville.
The letter is too long by half a mile.
PRINCESS
I think no less. not wish in heart
The chain were longer and the letter short?
MARIA
Ay, or I would these hands might never part.
PRINCESS
We are wise girls to mock our lovers so.
ROSALINE
They are worse fools to purchase mocking so.
That same Berowne I’ll torture I go.
O that I knew he were but in by th’ week!
How I would make him fawn, and beg, and seek,
And wait the season, and observe the times,
And spend his prodigal wits in bootless rhymes,
And shape his service wholly to my hests,
And make him proud to make me proud that jests!
So pair-taunt-like would I o’ersway his state,
That he should be my fool, and I his fate.
PRINCESS
None are so surely caught, when they are catched,
As wit turned fool. Folly, in wisdom hatched,
wisdom’s warrant and the help of school
And wit’s own grace to grace a learned fool.
ROSALINE
The blood of youth burns not with such excess
As gravity’s revolt to wantonness.
MARIA
Folly in fools bears not so strong a note
As fool’ry in the wise when wit dote,
Since all the power thereof it apply
To prove, by wit, worth in simplicity.
PRINCESS
Here comes Boyet, and mirth is in his face.
BOYET
O, I am stabbed with laughter! Where’s her Grace?
PRINCESS
news, Boyet?
BOYET
Prepare, madam, prepare!
Arm, wenches, arm! Encounters mounted are
Against your peace. Love approach disguised,
Armed in arguments. You’ll be surprised.
Muster your wits, stand in your own defence,
Or hide your heads like cowards, and fly .
PRINCESS
Saint Denis to Saint Cupid! What are they
That charge their breath against us? Say, scout, say.
BOYET
Under the cool shade of a sycamore
I thought to close mine eyes some half an hour,
When, lo, to interrupt my purposed rest,
Toward that shade I might behold addressed
The King and his companions. Warily
I stole into a neighbour thicket by,
And overheard what you shall overhear:
That, by and by, disguised they will be here.
Their herald is a pretty knavish page
That well by heart conned his embassage.
Action and accent did they teach him there:
“Thus must speak,” and “thus body bear.”
And ever and they made a doubt
Presence majestical would put him out;
“For,” quoth the King, “an angel see;
Yet fear not , but speak audaciously.”
The boy replied “An angel is not evil;
I should have feared her had she been a devil.”
With that all laughed and clapped him on the shoulder,
Making the bold wag by their praises bolder.
One rubbed his elbow thus, and fleered, and swore
A better speech was never spoke before.
Another with his finger and his thumb
Cried “Via, we will do ’t, come what will come.”
The third he capered, and cried “All goes well!”
The fourth turned on the toe, and down he fell.
With that they all did tumble on the ground,
With such a zealous laughter, so profound,
That in this spleen ridiculous appears,
To check their folly, passion’s solemn tears.
PRINCESS
But what, but what, come they to visit us?
BOYET
They do, they do, and are apparelled thus,
Like Muscovites, or Russians, as I guess.
Their purpose is to parley, court, and dance,
And every one his love-feat will advance
Unto his several mistress, which they’ll know
By favours several which they did bestow.
PRINCESS
And will they so? The gallants shall be tasked;
For, ladies, we will every one be masked,
And not a man of them shall have the grace,
Despite of suit, to see a lady’s face.
Hold, Rosaline, this favour wear,
And then the King will court for his dear.
Hold, take this, my sweet, and give me ,
So shall Berowne take me for Rosaline.
And change you favours too; so shall your loves
Woo contrary, deceived by these removes.
ROSALINE
Come on, then, wear the favours most in sight.
KATHARINE
But in this changing, what is your intent?
PRINCESS
The effect of my intent is to cross theirs.
They do it but in mocking merriment,
And mock for mock is only my intent.
Their several counsels they unbosom shall
To loves mistook, and so be mocked
Upon the next occasion that we meet,
With visages displayed to talk and greet.
ROSALINE
But shall we dance, if they desire us to’t?
PRINCESS
No, to the death we will not move a foot,
Nor to their penned speech render we no grace,
But while spoke each turn away her face.
BOYET
Why, that contempt will kill the speaker’s heart,
And quite divorce his memory from his part.
PRINCESS
Therefore I do it, and I make no doubt
The rest will come in, if he be out.
There’s no such sport as sport by sport o’erthrown,
To make theirs ours and ours none but our own.
So shall we stay, mocking intended game,
And they, well mocked, depart away with shame.
BOYET
The trumpet sounds. Be masked; the maskers come.
MOTH
All hail, the richest beauties on the earth!
BOYET
Beauties no richer than rich taffeta.
MOTH
A holy parcel of the fairest dames
MOTH
That ever turned their—backs—to mortal views!
BEROWNE
Their eyes, villain, their eyes.
MOTH
That ever turned their eyes to mortal views.
Out—
BOYET
True; out indeed.
MOTH
Out of your favours, heavenly spirits, vouchsafe
Not to behold—
BEROWNE
Once to behold, rogue!
MOTH
Once to behold with your sun-beamed eyes—
With your sun-beamed eyes—
BOYET
They will not answer to that epithet.
You were best call it “daughter-beamed eyes”.
MOTH
They do not mark me, and that brings me out.
BEROWNE
Is this your perfectness? Be gone, you rogue!
ROSALINE
What would these strangers? Know their minds, Boyet.
If they do speak our language, our will
That some plain man recount their purposes.
Know what they would.
BOYET
What would you with the Princess?
BEROWNE
Nothing but peace and gentle visitation.
ROSALINE
What would they, say they?
BOYET
Nothing but peace and gentle visitation.
ROSALINE
Why, that they have, and bid them so be gone.
BOYET
She says you have it, and you may be gone.
KING
Say to her we have measured many miles
To tread a measure with her on this grass.
BOYET
They say that they have measured many a mile
To tread a measure with you on this grass.
ROSALINE
It is not so. Ask them how many inches
Is in one mile? If they have measured many,
The measure then of one is easily told.
BOYET
If to come you have measured miles,
And many miles, the Princess bids you tell
How many inches fill up one mile.
BEROWNE
Tell her we measure them by weary steps.
BOYET
She hears herself.
ROSALINE
How many weary steps
Of many weary miles you have o’ergone
Are numbered in the travel of one mile?
BEROWNE
We number nothing that we spend for you.
Our duty is so rich, so infinite,
That we may do it still without account.
Vouchsafe to show the sunshine of your face,
That we, like savages, may worship it.
ROSALINE
My face is but a moon, and clouded too.
KING
Blessed are clouds, to do as such clouds do!
Vouchsafe, bright moon, and these stars, to shine,
Those clouds removed, upon our watery eyne.
ROSALINE
O vain petitioner! Beg a greater matter!
now requests but moonshine in the water.
KING
Then in our measure do but vouchsafe one change.
bidd’st me beg; this begging is not strange.
ROSALINE
Play, music, then! Nay, you must do it soon.
ROSALINE
Not yet? No dance! Thus change I like the moon.
KING
Will you not dance? How come you thus estranged?
ROSALINE
You took the moon at full, but now she’s changed.
KING
Yet still she is the moon, and I the man.
The music plays, vouchsafe some motion to it.
ROSALINE
Our ears vouchsafe it.
KING
But your legs should do it.
ROSALINE
Since you are strangers and come here by chance,
We’ll not be nice. Take hands. We will not dance.
KING
Why take we hands then?
ROSALINE
Only to part friends.
Curtsy, sweet hearts, and so the measure ends.
KING
More measure of this measure! Be not nice.
ROSALINE
We can afford no more at such a price.
KING
Price you yourselves? What buys your company?
ROSALINE
Your absence only.
KING
That can never be.
ROSALINE
Then cannot we be bought. And so adieu—
Twice to your visor, and half once to you!
KING
If you deny to dance, let’s hold more chat.
ROSALINE
In private then.
KING
I am best pleased with that.
BEROWNE
White-handed mistress, one sweet word with .
PRINCESS
Honey, and milk, and sugar: there is three.
BEROWNE
Nay, then, two treys, an if you grow so nice,
Metheglin, wort, and malmsey. Well run, dice!
There’s half a dozen sweets.
PRINCESS
Seventh sweet, adieu.
Since you can cog, I’ll play no more with you.
BEROWNE
One word in secret.
PRINCESS
Let it not be sweet.
BEROWNE
griev’st my gall.
PRINCESS
Gall! Bitter.
BEROWNE
Therefore meet.
DUMAINE
Will you vouchsafe with me to change a word?
MARIA
Name it.
DUMAINE
Fair lady—
MARIA
Say you so? Fair lord!
Take that for your “fair lady”.
DUMAINE
Please it you,
As much in private, and I’ll bid adieu.
KATHARINE
What, was your visor made without a tongue?
LONGAVILLE
I know the reason, lady, why you ask.
KATHARINE
O, for your reason! Quickly, sir, I long.
LONGAVILLE
You have a double tongue within your mask,
And would afford my speechless visor half.
KATHARINE
“Veal”, quoth the Dutchman. Is not veal a calf?
LONGAVILLE
A calf, fair lady?
KATHARINE
No, a fair lord calf.
LONGAVILLE
Let’s part the word.
KATHARINE
No, I’ll not be your half.
Take all and wean it; it may prove an ox.
LONGAVILLE
Look how you butt yourself in these sharp mocks.
Will you give horns, chaste lady? Do not so.
KATHARINE
Then die a calf before your horns do grow.
LONGAVILLE
One word in private with you I die.
KATHARINE
Bleat softly, then; the butcher hears you cry.
BOYET
The tongues of mocking wenches are as keen
As is the razor’s edge invisible,
Cutting a smaller hair than may be seen;
Above the sense of sense, so sensible
Seemeth their conference. Their conceits have wings
Fleeter than arrows, bullets, wind, thought, swifter things.
ROSALINE
Not one word more, my maids; break off, break off.
BEROWNE
By heaven, all dry-beaten with pure scoff!
KING
Farewell, mad wenches. You have simple wits.
PRINCESS
Twenty adieus, my frozen Muscovites.
Are these the breed of wits so wondered at?
BOYET
Tapers they are, with your sweet breaths puffed out.
ROSALINE
Well-liking wits they have; gross, gross; fat, fat.
PRINCESS
O poverty in wit, kingly-poor flout!
Will they not, think you, hang themselves tonight?
Or ever but in vizors show their faces?
This pert Berowne was out of countenance quite.
ROSALINE
They were all in lamentable cases.
The King was weeping-ripe for a good word.
PRINCESS
Berowne did swear himself out of all suit.
MARIA
Dumaine was at my service, and his sword.
“Non point,” quoth I; my servant straight was mute.
KATHARINE
Lord Longaville said I came his heart;
And trow you what he called me?
PRINCESS
Qualm, perhaps.
KATHARINE
Yes, in good faith.
PRINCESS
Go, sickness as art!
ROSALINE
Well, better wits have worn plain statute-caps.
But will you hear? The King is my love sworn.
PRINCESS
And quick Berowne plighted faith to me.
KATHARINE
And Longaville was for my service born.
MARIA
Dumaine is mine as sure as bark on tree.
BOYET
Madam, and pretty mistresses, give ear.
Immediately they will again be here
In their own shapes, for it can never be
They will digest this harsh indignity.
PRINCESS
Will they return?
BOYET
They will, they will, God knows,
And leap for joy, though they are lame with blows.
Therefore, change favours and, when they repair,
Blow like sweet roses in this summer air.
PRINCESS
How “blow”? How “blow”? Speak to be understood.
BOYET
Fair ladies masked are roses in their bud.
Dismasked, their damask sweet commixture shown,
Are angels vailing clouds, or roses blown.
PRINCESS
Avaunt, perplexity! What shall we do
If they return in their own shapes to woo?
ROSALINE
Good madam, if by me you’ll be advised,
Let’s mock them still, as well known as disguised.
Let us complain to them what fools were here,
Disguised like Muscovites in shapeless gear;
And wonder what they were, and to what end
Their shallow shows and prologue vilely penned,
And their rough carriage so ridiculous,
Should be presented at our tent to us.
BOYET
Ladies, withdraw. The gallants are at hand.
PRINCESS
Whip to our tents, as roes run the land.
KING
Fair sir, God save you. Where’s the Princess?
BOYET
Gone to her tent. Please it your Majesty
Command me any service to her ?
KING
That she vouchsafe me audience for one word.
BOYET
I will; and so will she, I know, my lord.
BEROWNE
This fellow pecks up wit as pigeons peas
And utters it again when God please.
He is wit’s pedlar, and retails his wares
At wakes and wassails, meetings, markets, fairs;
And we that sell by gross, the Lord know,
Have not the grace to grace it with such show.
This gallant pins the wenches on his sleeve.
Had he been Adam, he had tempted Eve.
He can carve too, and lisp. Why, this is he
That kissed his hand away in courtesy.
This is the ape of form, Monsieur the Nice,
That, when he plays at tables, chides the dice
In honourable terms. Nay, he can sing
A mean most meanly; and in ushering
Mend him who can. The ladies call him sweet.
The stairs, as he treads on them, kiss his feet.
This is the flower that smiles on everyone,
To show his teeth as white as whale’s bone;
And consciences that will not die in debt
Pay him the due of “honey-tongued Boyet”.
KING
A blister on his sweet tongue, with my heart,
That put Armado’s page out of his part!
BEROWNE
See where it comes! Behaviour, what wert
Till this man showed , and what art now?
KING
All hail, sweet madam, and fair time of day.
PRINCESS
“Fair” in “all hail” is foul, as I conceive.
KING
Construe my speeches better, if you may.
PRINCESS
Then wish me better. I will give you leave.
KING
We came to visit you, and purpose now
To lead you to our court. Vouchsafe it then.
PRINCESS
This field shall hold me, and so hold your vow.
Nor God nor I delights in perjured men.
KING
Rebuke me not for that which you provoke.
The virtue of your eye must break my oath.
PRINCESS
You nickname virtue: “vice” you should have spoke;
For virtue’s office never breaks men’s troth.
Now by my maiden honour, yet as pure
As the unsullied lily, I protest,
A world of torments though I should endure,
I would not yield to be your house’s guest,
So much I hate a breaking cause to be
Of heavenly oaths, vowed with integrity.
KING
O, you have lived in desolation here,
Unseen, unvisited, much to our shame.
PRINCESS
Not so, my lord. It is not so, I swear.
We have had pastimes here and pleasant game.
A mess of Russians left us but of late.
KING
How, madam? Russians?
PRINCESS
Ay, in truth, my lord.
Trim gallants, full of courtship and of state.
ROSALINE
Madam, speak true. It is not so, my lord.
My lady, to the manner of the days,
In courtesy gives undeserving praise.
We four indeed confronted were with four
In Russian habit. Here they stayed an hour
And talked apace; and in that hour, my lord,
They did not bless us with one happy word.
I dare not call them fools; but this I think,
When they are thirsty, fools would have drink.
BEROWNE
This jest is dry to me. My gentle sweet,
Your wit makes wise things foolish. When we greet,
With eyes’ best seeing, heaven’s fiery eye,
By light we lose light. Your capacity
Is of that nature that to your huge store
Wise things seem foolish and rich things but poor.
ROSALINE
This proves you wise and rich, for in my eye—
BEROWNE
I am a fool, and full of poverty.
ROSALINE
But that you take what to you belong,
It were a fault to snatch words from my tongue.
BEROWNE
O, I am yours, and all that I possess.
ROSALINE
All the fool mine?
BEROWNE
I cannot give you less.
ROSALINE
Which of the visors was it that you wore?
BEROWNE
Where, when, what visor? Why demand you this?
ROSALINE
There, then, that visor; that superfluous case
That hid the worse and showed the better face.
KING
We are descried. They’ll mock us now downright.
DUMAINE
Let us confess and turn it to a jest.
PRINCESS
Amazed, my lord? Why looks your Highness sad?
ROSALINE
Help! Hold his brows! He’ll swoon. Why look you pale?
Seasick, I think, coming from Muscovy.
BEROWNE
Thus pour the stars down plagues for perjury.
Can any face of brass hold longer out?
Here stand I, lady; dart skill at me.
Bruise me with scorn, confound me with a flout,
Thrust sharp wit quite through my ignorance,
Cut me to pieces with keen conceit,
And I will wish never more to dance,
Nor never more in Russian habit wait.
O, never will I trust to speeches penned,
Nor to the motion of a school-boy’s tongue,
Nor never come in visor to my friend,
Nor woo in rhyme like a blind harper’s song.
Taffeta phrases, silken terms precise,
Three-piled hyperboles, spruce affectation,
Figures pedantical: these summer flies
Have blown me full of maggot ostentation.
I do forswear them, and I here protest,
By this white glove—how white the hand, God knows!—
Henceforth my wooing mind shall be expressed
In russet yeas and honest kersey noes.
And, to begin: , so God help me, law,
My love to is sound, sans crack or flaw.
ROSALINE
Sans “sans,” I pray you.
BEROWNE
Yet I have a trick
Of the old rage. Bear with me, I am sick;
I’ll leave it by degrees. Soft, let us see:
Write “Lord have mercy on us” on those three.
They are infected; in their hearts it lies;
They have the plague, and caught it of your eyes.
These lords are visited. You are not free,
For the Lord’s tokens on you do I see.
PRINCESS
No, they are free that gave these tokens to us.
BEROWNE
Our states are forfeit. Seek not to undo us.
ROSALINE
It is not so. For how can this be true,
That you stand forfeit, being those that sue?
BEROWNE
Peace! for I will not have to do with you.
ROSALINE
Nor shall not, if I do as I intend.
BEROWNE
Speak for yourselves. My wit is at an end.
KING
Teach us, sweet madam, for our rude transgression
Some fair excuse.
PRINCESS
The fairest is confession.
Were not you here but even now, disguised?
KING
Madam, I was.
PRINCESS
And were you well advised?
KING
I was, fair madam.
PRINCESS
When you then were here,
What did you whisper in your lady’s ear?
KING
That more than all the world I did respect her.
PRINCESS
When she shall challenge this, you will reject her.
KING
Upon mine honour, no.
PRINCESS
Peace, peace, forbear!
Your oath once broke, you force not to forswear.
KING
Despise me when I break this oath of mine.
PRINCESS
I will; and therefore keep it. Rosaline,
What did the Russian whisper in your ear?
ROSALINE
Madam, he swore that he did hold me dear
As precious eyesight, and did value me
Above this world; adding thereto, moreover,
That he would wed me, or else die my lover.
PRINCESS
God give joy of him! The noble lord
Most honourably uphold his word.
KING
What mean you, madam? By my life, my troth,
I never swore this lady such an oath.
ROSALINE
By heaven, you did! And to confirm it plain,
You gave me this. But take it, sir, again.
KING
My faith and this the Princess I did give.
I knew her by this jewel on her sleeve.
PRINCESS
Pardon me, sir, this jewel did she wear,
And Lord Berowne, I thank him, is my dear.
What, will you have me, or your pearl again?
BEROWNE
Neither of either; I remit both twain.
I see the trick on’t. Here was a consent,
Knowing aforehand of our merriment,
To dash it like a Christmas comedy.
Some carry-tale, some please-man, some slight zany,
Some mumble-news, some trencher-knight, some Dick,
That smiles his cheek in years and knows the trick
To make my lady laugh when she’s disposed,
Told our intents before; which once disclosed,
The ladies did change favours, and then we,
Following the signs, wooed but the sign of she.
Now, to our perjury to add more terror,
We are again forsworn in will and error.
Much upon this . And might not you
Forestall our sport, to make us thus untrue?
Do not you know my lady’s foot by th’ squier,
And laugh upon the apple of her eye?
And stand between her back, sir, and the fire,
Holding a trencher, jesting merrily?
You put our page out. Go, you are allowed;
Die when you will, a smock shall be your shroud.
You leer upon me, do you? There’s an eye
Wounds like a leaden sword.
BOYET
Full merrily
this brave manage, this career, been run.
BEROWNE
Lo, he is tilting straight! Peace! I have done.
BEROWNE
Welcome, pure wit! part’st a fair fray.
COSTARD
O Lord, sir, they would know
Whether the three Worthies shall come in or no.
BEROWNE
What, are there but three?
COSTARD
No, sir; but it is vara fine,
For every one pursents three.
BEROWNE
And three times thrice is nine.
COSTARD
Not so, sir, under correction, sir, I hope it is not so.
You cannot beg us, sir, I can assure you, sir; we know what we know.
I hope, sir, three times thrice, sir—
BEROWNE
Is not nine?
COSTARD
Under correction, sir, we know whereuntil it amount.
BEROWNE
By Jove, I always took three threes for nine.
COSTARD
O Lord, sir, it were pity you should get your living by reckoning, sir.
BEROWNE
How much is it?
COSTARD
O Lord, sir, the parties themselves, the actors, sir, will show whereuntil it amount. For mine own part, I am, as they say, but to parfect one man in one poor man—Pompion the Great, sir.
BEROWNE
Art one of the Worthies?
COSTARD
It pleased them to think me worthy of Pompey the Great. For mine own part, I know not the degree of the Worthy, but I am to stand for him.
BEROWNE
Go bid them prepare.
COSTARD
We will turn it finely off, sir; we will take some care.
KING
Berowne, they will shame us. Let them not approach.
BEROWNE
We are shame-proof, my lord, and some policy
To have one show worse than the King’s and his company.
KING
I say they shall not come.
PRINCESS
Nay, my good lord, let me o’errule you now.
That sport best pleases that least know how,
Where zeal strives to content, and the contents
Die in the zeal of that which it presents;
Their form confounded makes most form in mirth,
When great things labouring perish in their birth.
BEROWNE
A right description of our sport, my lord.
ARMADO
Anointed, I implore so much expense of royal sweet breath as will utter a brace of words.
PRINCESS
this man serve God?
BEROWNE
Why ask you?
PRINCESS
He speaks not like a man of God his making.
ARMADO
That is all one, my fair, sweet, honey monarch; for, I protest, the schoolmaster is exceeding fantastical; too, too vain, too, too vain. But we will put it, as they say, to fortuna de la guerra. I wish you the peace of mind, most royal couplement!
KING
Here is like to be a good presence of Worthies. He presents Hector of Troy; the swain, Pompey the Great; the parish curate, Alexander; Armado’s page, Hercules; the pedant, Judas Maccabaeus.
And if these four Worthies in their first show thrive,
These four will change habits and present the other five.
BEROWNE
There is five in the first show.
KING
You are deceived. not so.
BEROWNE
The pedant, the braggart, the hedge-priest, the fool, and the boy.
Abate throw at novum, and the whole world again
Cannot pick out five such, take each one in his vein.
KING
The ship is under sail, and here she comes amain.
COSTARD
I Pompey am—
BEROWNE
You lie, you are not he.
COSTARD
I Pompey am—
BOYET
With leopard’s head on knee.
BEROWNE
Well said, old mocker. I must needs be friends with .
COSTARD
I Pompey am, Pompey surnamed the Big.
DUMAINE
The “Great”.
COSTARD
It is “Great”, sir; Pompey surnamed the Great,
That in field, with targe and shield, did make my foe to sweat.
And travelling along this coast, I here am come by chance,
And lay my arms before the legs of this sweet lass of France.
If your ladyship would say, “Thanks, Pompey”, I had done.
PRINCESS
Great thanks, great Pompey.
COSTARD
not so much worth; but I hope I was perfect. I made a little fault in “Great”.
BEROWNE
My hat to a halfpenny, Pompey proves the best Worthy.
NATHANIEL
When in the world I lived, I was the world’s commander;
By east, west, north, and south, I spread my conquering might.
My scutcheon plain declares that I am Alisander.
BOYET
Your nose says, no, you are not; for it stands to right.
BEROWNE
Your nose smells “no” in this, most tender-smelling knight.
PRINCESS
The conqueror is dismayed. Proceed, good Alexander.
NATHANIEL
When in the world I lived, I was the world’s commander—
BOYET
Most true; right. You were so, Alisander.
BEROWNE
Pompey the Great—
COSTARD
Your servant, and Costard.
BEROWNE
Take away the conqueror, take away Alisander.
COSTARD
O sir, you have overthrown Alisander the Conqueror. You will be scraped out of the painted cloth for this. Your lion, that holds his pole-axe sitting on a close-stool, will be given to Ajax. He will be the ninth Worthy. A conqueror, and afeard to speak? Run away for shame, Alisander. There, an’t shall please you, a foolish mild man; an honest man, look you, and soon dashed. He is a marvellous good neighbour, faith, and a very good bowler; but for Alisander, alas you see how ’tis—a little o’erparted. But there are Worthies a-coming will speak their mind in some other sort.
PRINCESS
Stand aside, good Pompey.
HOLOFERNES
Great Hercules is presented by this imp,
Whose club killed Cerberus, that three-headed canus,
And when he was a babe, a child, a shrimp,
Thus did he strangle serpents in his manus.
Quoniam he seemeth in minority,
Ergo I come with this apology.
Keep some state in exit, and vanish.
HOLOFERNES
Judas I am.—
DUMAINE
A Judas!
HOLOFERNES
Not Iscariot, sir.
Judas I am, ycleped Maccabaeus.
DUMAINE
Judas Maccabaeus clipped is plain Judas.
BEROWNE
A kissing traitor. How art proved Judas?
HOLOFERNES
Judas I am—
DUMAINE
The more shame for you, Judas.
HOLOFERNES
What mean you, sir?
BOYET
To make Judas hang himself.
HOLOFERNES
Begin, sir; you are my elder.
BEROWNE
Well followed. Judas was hanged on an elder.
HOLOFERNES
I will not be put out of countenance.
BEROWNE
Because no face.
HOLOFERNES
What is this?
BOYET
A cittern-head.
DUMAINE
The head of a bodkin.
BEROWNE
A death’s face in a ring.
LONGAVILLE
The face of an old Roman coin, scarce seen.
BOYET
The pommel of Caesar’s falchion.
DUMAINE
The carved-bone face on a flask.
BEROWNE
Saint George’s half-cheek in a brooch.
DUMAINE
Ay, and in a brooch of lead.
BEROWNE
Ay, and worn in the cap of a tooth-drawer.
And now forward, for we have put in countenance.
HOLOFERNES
You have put me out of countenance.
BEROWNE
False. We have given faces.
HOLOFERNES
But you have outfaced them all.
BEROWNE
An wert a lion, we would do so.
BOYET
Therefore, as he is an ass, let him go.
And so adieu, sweet Jude. Nay, why stay?
DUMAINE
For the latter end of his name.
BEROWNE
For the ass to the Jude? Give it him. Jud-as, away!
HOLOFERNES
This is not generous, not gentle, not humble.
BOYET
A light for Monsieur Judas! It grows dark; he may stumble.
PRINCESS
Alas, poor Maccabaeus, how he been baited!
BEROWNE
Hide head, Achilles. Here comes Hector in arms.
DUMAINE
Though my mocks come home by me, I will now be merry.
KING
Hector was but a Trojan in respect of this.
BOYET
But is this Hector?
DUMAINE
I think Hector was not so clean-timbered.
LONGAVILLE
His leg is too big for Hector’s.
DUMAINE
More calf, certain.
BOYET
No, he is best endued in the small.
BEROWNE
This cannot be Hector.
DUMAINE
He’s a god or a painter, for he makes faces.
ARMADO
The armipotent Mars, of lances the almighty,
Gave Hector a gift—
DUMAINE
A gilt nutmeg.
BEROWNE
A lemon.
LONGAVILLE
Stuck with cloves.
DUMAINE
No, cloven.
ARMADO
Peace!
The armipotent Mars, of lances the almighty,
Gave Hector a gift, the heir of Ilion;
A man so breathed that certain he would fight, yea,
From morn till night, out of his pavilion.
I am that flower—
DUMAINE
That mint.
LONGAVILLE
That columbine.
ARMADO
Sweet Lord Longaville, rein tongue.
LONGAVILLE
I must rather give it the rein, for it runs against Hector.
DUMAINE
Ay, and Hector’s a greyhound.
ARMADO
The sweet war-man is dead and rotten. Sweet chucks, beat not the bones of the buried. When he breathed, he was a man. But I will forward with my device. Sweet royalty, bestow on me the sense of hearing.
PRINCESS
Speak, brave Hector; we are much delighted.
ARMADO
I do adore sweet Grace’s slipper.
BOYET
Loves her by the foot.
DUMAINE
He may not by the yard.
ARMADO
This Hector far surmounted Hannibal.
The party is gone—
COSTARD
Fellow Hector, she is gone; she is two months on her way.
ARMADO
What meanest ?
COSTARD
Faith, unless you play the honest Trojan, the poor is cast away. She’s quick; the child brags in her belly already. yours.
ARMADO
infamonize me among potentates? die.
COSTARD
Then shall Hector be whipped for Jaquenetta that is quick by him, and hanged for Pompey that is dead by him.
DUMAINE
Most rare Pompey!
BOYET
Renowned Pompey!
BEROWNE
Greater than “Great”! Great, great, great Pompey! Pompey the Huge!
DUMAINE
Hector trembles.
BEROWNE
Pompey is moved. More Ates, more Ates! Stir them on, stir them on!
DUMAINE
Hector will challenge him.
BEROWNE
Ay, if he have no more man’s blood in his belly than will sup a flea.
ARMADO
By the north pole, I do challenge .
COSTARD
I will not fight with a pole, like a northern man. I’ll slash, I’ll do it by the sword. I bepray you, let me borrow my arms again.
DUMAINE
Room for the incensed Worthies!
COSTARD
I’ll do it in my shirt.
DUMAINE
Most resolute Pompey!
MOTH
Master, let me take you a buttonhole lower. Do you not see Pompey is uncasing for the combat? What mean you? You will lose your reputation.
ARMADO
Gentlemen and soldiers, pardon me. I will not combat in my shirt.
DUMAINE
You may not deny it. Pompey made the challenge.
ARMADO
Sweet bloods, I both may and will.
BEROWNE
What reason have you for ’t?
ARMADO
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. I go woolward for penance.
BOYET
True, and it was enjoined him in Rome for want of linen; since when, I’ll be sworn, he wore none but a dishclout of Jaquenetta’s, and that he wears next his heart for a favour.
MARCADÉ
God save you, madam.
PRINCESS
Welcome, Marcadé,
But that interruptest our merriment.
MARCADÉ
I am sorry, madam, for the news I bring
Is heavy in my tongue. The King your father—
PRINCESS
Dead, for my life!
MARCADÉ
Even so. My tale is told.
BEROWNE
Worthies away! The scene begins to cloud.
ARMADO
For mine own part, I breathe free breath. I have seen the day of wrong through the little hole of discretion, and I will right myself like a soldier.
KING
How fares your Majesty?
PRINCESS
Boyet, prepare. I will away tonight.
KING
Madam, not so. I do beseech you stay.
PRINCESS
Prepare, I say. I thank you, gracious lords,
For all your fair endeavours, and entreat,
Out of a new-sad soul, that you vouchsafe
In your rich wisdom to excuse or hide
The liberal opposition of our spirits,
If over-boldly we have borne ourselves
In the converse of breath; your gentleness
Was guilty of it. Farewell, worthy lord!
A heavy heart bears not a nimble tongue.
Excuse me so, coming too short of thanks
For my great suit so easily obtained.
KING
The extreme parts of time extremely forms
All causes to the purpose of his speed,
And often at his very loose decides
That which long process could not arbitrate.
And though the mourning brow of progeny
Forbid the smiling courtesy of love
The holy suit which it would convince,
Yet, since love’s argument was first on foot,
Let not the cloud of sorrow jostle it
From what it purposed; since to wail friends lost
Is not by much so wholesome-profitable
As to rejoice at friends but newly found.
PRINCESS
I understand you not. My griefs are double.
BEROWNE
Honest plain words best pierce the ear of grief;
And by these badges understand the King.
For your fair sakes have we neglected time,
Played foul play with our oaths. Your beauty, ladies,
much deformed us, fashioning our humours
Even to the opposed end of our intents;
And what in us seemed ridiculous—
As love is full of unbefitting strains,
All wanton as a child, skipping and vain,
Formed by the eye and therefore, like the eye,
Full of strange shapes, of habits and of forms,
Varying in subjects as the eye roll
To every varied object in his glance;
Which parti-coated presence of loose love
Put on by us, if, in your heavenly eyes,
Have misbecomed our oaths and gravities,
Those heavenly eyes that look into these faults
Suggested us to make. Therefore, ladies,
Our love being yours, the error that love makes
Is likewise yours. We to ourselves prove false
By being once false for ever to be true
To those that make us both—fair ladies, you.
And even that falsehood, in itself a sin,
Thus purifies itself and turns to grace.
PRINCESS
We have received your letters, full of love;
Your favours, the ambassadors of love;
And in our maiden council rated them
At courtship, pleasant jest, and courtesy,
As bombast and as lining to the time.
But more devout than this in our respects
Have we not been; and therefore met your loves
In their own fashion, like a merriment.
DUMAINE
Our letters, madam, showed much more than jest.
LONGAVILLE
So did our looks.
ROSALINE
We did not quote them so.
KING
Now, at the latest minute of the hour,
Grant us your loves.
PRINCESS
A time, , too short
To make a world-without-end bargain in.
No, no, my lord, your Grace is perjured much,
Full of dear guiltiness; and therefore this:
If for my love—as there is no such cause—
You will do , this shall you do for me:
Your oath I will not trust, but go with speed
To some forlorn and naked hermitage,
Remote from all the pleasures of the world,
There stay until the twelve celestial signs
Have brought about the annual reckoning.
If this austere insociable life
Change not your offer made in heat of blood;
If frosts and fasts, hard lodging and thin weeds,
Nip not the gaudy blossoms of your love,
But that it bear this trial, and last love;
Then, at the expiration of the year,
Come challenge me, challenge me by these deserts,
And, by this virgin palm now kissing ,
I will be . And, till that instance, shut
My woeful self up in a mournful house,
Raining the tears of lamentation
For the remembrance of my father’s death.
If this do deny, let our hands part,
Neither entitled in the other’s heart.
KING
If this, or more than this, I would deny,
To flatter up these powers of mine with rest,
The sudden hand of death close up mine eye!
hermit, then. My heart is in breast.
DUMAINE
And what to me, my love? But what to me?
A wife?
KATHARINE
A beard, fair health, and honesty;
With threefold love I wish you all these three.
DUMAINE
O, shall I say, “I thank you, gentle wife”?
KATHARINE
No so, my lord. A twelvemonth and a day
I’ll mark no words that smooth-faced wooers say.
Come when the King to my lady come;
Then, if I have much love, I’ll give you some.
DUMAINE
I’ll serve true and faithfully till then.
KATHARINE
Yet swear not, lest be forsworn again.
LONGAVILLE
What says Maria?
MARIA
At the twelvemonth’s end
I’ll change my black gown for a faithful friend.
LONGAVILLE
I’ll stay with patience, but the time is long.
MARIA
The liker you; few taller are so young.
BEROWNE
Studies my lady? Mistress, look on me.
Behold the window of my heart, mine eye,
What humble suit attends answer there.
Impose some service on me for love.
ROSALINE
have I heard of you, my Lord Berowne,
Before I saw you; and the world’s large tongue
Proclaims you for a man replete with mocks,
Full of comparisons and wounding flouts,
Which you on all estates will execute
That lie within the mercy of your wit.
To weed this wormwood from your fruitful brain,
And therewithal to win me, if you please,
Without the which I am not to be won,
You shall this twelvemonth term from day to day
Visit the speechless sick, and still converse
With groaning wretches; and your task shall be,
With all the fierce endeavour of your wit
To enforce the pained impotent to smile.
BEROWNE
To move wild laughter in the throat of death?
It cannot be, it is impossible.
Mirth cannot move a soul in agony.
ROSALINE
Why, that’s the way to choke a gibing spirit,
Whose influence is begot of that loose grace
Which shallow laughing hearers give to fools.
A jest’s prosperity lies in the ear
Of him that hears it, never in the tongue
Of him that makes it. Then, if sickly ears,
Deafed with the clamours of their own dear groans,
Will hear your idle scorns, continue then,
And I will have you and that fault ;
But if they will not, throw away that spirit,
And I shall find you empty of that fault,
Right joyful of your reformation.
BEROWNE
A twelvemonth? Well, befall what will befall,
I’ll jest a twelvemonth in an hospital.
PRINCESS
Ay, sweet my lord, and so I take my leave.
KING
No, madam, we will bring you on your way.
BEROWNE
Our wooing not end like an old play.
Jack not Jill. These ladies’ courtesy
Might well have made our sport a comedy.
KING
Come, sir, it wants a twelvemonth and a day,
And then ’twill end.
BEROWNE
That’s too long for a play.
ARMADO
Sweet Majesty, vouchsafe me—
PRINCESS
Was not that Hector?
DUMAINE
The worthy knight of Troy.
ARMADO
I will kiss royal finger, and take leave. I am a votary; I have vowed to Jaquenetta to hold the plough for her sweet love three year. But, most esteemed Greatness, will you hear the dialogue that the two learned men have compiled in praise of the owl and the cuckoo? It should have followed in the end of our show.
KING
Call them forth quickly; we will do so.
ARMADO
Holla! Approach.
ARMADO
This side is Hiems, Winter; this Ver, the Spring; the one maintained by the owl, th’ other by the cuckoo. Ver, begin.
SPRING
When daisies pied and violets blue
And lady-smocks all silver-white
And cuckoo-buds of yellow hue
Do paint the meadows with delight,
The cuckoo then on every tree
Mocks married men; for thus sings he:
“Cuckoo!
Cuckoo, cuckoo!” O, word of fear,
Unpleasing to a married ear.
When shepherds pipe on oaten straws,
And merry larks are ploughmen’s clocks,
When turtles tread, and rooks and daws,
And maidens bleach their summer smocks,
The cuckoo then, on every tree,
Mocks married men, for thus sings he:
“Cuckoo!
Cuckoo, cuckoo!” O, word of fear,
Unpleasing to a married ear.
WINTER
When icicles hang by the wall,
And Dick the shepherd blows his nail,
And Tom bears logs into the hall,
And milk comes frozen home in pail,
When blood is nipped, and ways be foul,
Then nightly sings the staring owl:
“Tu-whit, Tu-whoo!” A merry note,
While greasy Joan keel the pot.
When all aloud the wind blow,
And coughing drowns the parson’s saw,
And birds sit brooding in the snow,
And Marian’s nose looks red and raw,
When roasted crabs hiss in the bowl,
Then nightly sings the staring owl:
“Tu-whit, Tu-whoo!” A merry note,
While greasy Joan keel the pot.
ARMADO
The words of Mercury are harsh after the songs of Apollo.
You that way, we this way.