NATHANIEL
Very reverend sport, truly, and done in the testimony of a good conscience.
HOLOFERNES
The deer was, as you know, sanguis, in blood, ripe as the pomewater, who now hangeth like a jewel in the ear of caelo, the sky, the welkin, the heaven, and falleth like a crab on the face of terra, the soil, the land, the earth.
NATHANIEL
Truly, Master Holofernes, the epithets are sweetly varied, like a scholar at the least. But, sir, I assure it was a buck of the first head.
HOLOFERNES
Sir Nathaniel, haud credo.
DULL
not a “auld grey doe”, a pricket.
HOLOFERNES
Most barbarous intimation! Yet a kind of insinuation, as it were, in via, in way, of explication; facere, as it were, replication, or rather, ostentare, to show, as it were, his inclination, after his undressed, unpolished, uneducated, unpruned, untrained, or rather, unlettered, or ratherest, unconfirmed fashion, to insert again my haud credo for a deer.
DULL
I said the deer was not a “auld grey doe”, a pricket.
HOLOFERNES
Twice-sod simplicity, bis coctus!
O, monster Ignorance, how deformed look!
NATHANIEL
Sir, he never fed of the dainties that are bred of a book.
He not eat paper, as it were; he not drunk ink.
His intellect is not replenished; he is only an animal, only sensible in the duller parts.
And such barren plants are set before us that we thankful should be—
Which we of taste and feeling are—for those parts that do fructify in us more than he.
For as it would ill become me to be vain, indiscreet, or a fool,
So, were there a patch set on learning, to see him in a school.
But, omne bene, say I, being of an old father’s mind;
Many can brook the weather that love not the wind.
DULL
You two are bookmen. Can you tell me by your wit
What was a month old at Cain’s birth, that’s not five weeks old as yet?
HOLOFERNES
Dictynna, goodman Dull. Dictynna, goodman Dull.
DULL
What is Dictynna?
NATHANIEL
A title to Phoebe, to Luna, to the moon.
HOLOFERNES
The moon was a month old when Adam was no more,
And raught not to five weeks when he came to five-score.
Th’ allusion holds in the exchange.
DULL
true, indeed. The collusion holds in the exchange.
HOLOFERNES
God comfort capacity! I say, th’ allusion holds in the exchange.
DULL
And I say the pollution holds in the exchange, for the moon is never but a month old; and I say beside that a pricket that the Princess killed.
HOLOFERNES
Sir Nathaniel, will you hear an extemporal epitaph on the death of the deer? And, to the ignorant, call I the deer the Princess killed a pricket.
NATHANIEL
Perge, good Master Holofernes, perge, so it shall please you to abrogate scurrility.
HOLOFERNES
I will something affect the letter; for it argues facility.
The preyful Princess pierced and pricked a pretty pleasing pricket;
Some say a sore; but not a sore till now made sore with shooting.
The dogs did yell, put “l” to sore, then sorel jumps from thicket;
Or pricket sore, or else sorel, the people fall a-hooting.
If sore be sore, then “L” to “sore” makes fifty sores o’ sorel.
Of one sore I an hundred make, by adding but one more “L”.
NATHANIEL
A rare talent!
DULL
If a talent be a claw, look how he claws him with a talent.
HOLOFERNES
This is a gift that I have, simple, simple; a foolish extravagant spirit, full of forms, figures, shapes, objects, ideas, apprehensions, motions, revolutions. These are begot in the ventricle of memory, nourished in the womb of pia mater, and delivered upon the mellowing of occasion. But the gift is good in those in whom it is acute, and I am thankful for it.
NATHANIEL
Sir, I praise the Lord for you, and so may my parishioners, for their sons are well tutored by you, and their daughters profit very greatly under you. You are a good member of the commonwealth.
HOLOFERNES
Mehercle! If their sons be ingenious, they shall want no instruction; if their daughters be capable, I will put it to them. But, vir sapit qui pauca loquitur. A soul feminine saluteth us.
JAQUENETTA
God give you good morrow, Master Person.
HOLOFERNES
Master Person, quasi pierce one. And if one should be pierced, which is the one?
COSTARD
Marry, Master schoolmaster, he that is likest to a hogshead.
HOLOFERNES
Of piercing a hogshead! A good lustre or conceit in a turf of earth; fire enough for a flint, pearl enough for a swine. pretty; it is well.
JAQUENETTA
Good Master Parson, be so good as read me this letter. It was given me by Costard, and sent me from Don Armado. I beseech you read it.
HOLOFERNES
Fauste precor, gelida quando pecus omne sub umbra Ruminat—
and so forth. Ah, good old Mantuan, I may speak of as the traveller of Venice:
Venetia, Venetia,
Chi non ti vede, non ti pretia.
Old Mantuan, old Mantuan! Who understandeth not, loves not.
Ut, re, sol, la, mi, fa.
Under pardon, sir, what are the contents? Or rather as Horace says in his—What, my soul, verses?
NATHANIEL
Ay, sir, and very learned.
HOLOFERNES
Let me hear a staff, a stanze, a verse,
Lege, domine.
NATHANIEL
If love make me forsworn, how shall I swear to love?
Ah, never faith could hold, if not to beauty vowed.
Though to myself forsworn, to I’ll faithful prove.
Those thoughts to me were oaks, to like osiers bowed.
Study his bias leaves, and makes his book eyes,
Where all those pleasures live that art would comprehend.
If knowledge be the mark, to know shall suffice.
Well learned is that tongue that well can commend,
All ignorant that soul that sees without wonder;
Which is to me some praise, that I parts admire.
eye Jove’s lightning bears, voice his dreadful thunder,
Which, not to anger bent, is music and sweet fire.
Celestial as art, O, pardon love this wrong,
That sings heaven’s praise with such an earthly tongue.
HOLOFERNES
You find not the apostrophus, and so miss the accent. Let me supervise the canzonet. Here are only numbers ratified, but, for the elegancy, facility, and golden cadence of poesy, caret. Ovidius Naso was the man. And why indeed “Naso,” but for smelling out the odoriferous flowers of fancy, the jerks of invention? Imitari is nothing: so the hound his master, the ape his keeper, the tired horse his rider. But, damosella virgin, was this directed to you?
JAQUENETTA
Ay, sir, from one Monsieur Berowne, one of the strange queen’s lords.
HOLOFERNES
I will overglance the superscript: To the snow-white hand of the most beauteous Lady Rosaline. I will look again on the intellect of the letter, for the nomination of the party writing to the person written unto: Your Ladyship’s in all desired employment, Berowne. Sir Nathaniel, this Berowne is one of the votaries with the King, and here he framed a letter to a sequent of the stranger queen’s, which accidentally, or by the way of progression, miscarried. Trip and go, my sweet, deliver this paper into the royal hand of the King. It may concern much. Stay not compliment. I forgive duty. Adieu.
JAQUENETTA
Good Costard, go with me. Sir, God save your life.
COSTARD
Have with , my girl.
NATHANIEL
Sir, you have done this in the fear of God, very religiously; and, as a certain Father saith—
HOLOFERNES
Sir, tell not me of the Father, I do fear colourable colours. But to return to the verses: did they please you, Sir Nathaniel?
NATHANIEL
Marvellous well for the pen.
HOLOFERNES
I do dine today at the father’s of a certain pupil of mine, where if, before repast, it shall please you to gratify the table with a grace, I will, on my privilege I have with the parents of the foresaid child or pupil, undertake your ben venuto; where I will prove those verses to be very unlearned, neither savouring of poetry, wit, nor invention. I beseech your society.
NATHANIEL
And thank you too; for society, saith the text, is the happiness of life.
HOLOFERNES
And certes, the text most infallibly concludes it. Sir, I do invite you too. You shall not say me nay. Pauca verba. Away! The gentles are at their game, and we will to our recreation.