Act 3, Scene 1

Modern spelling. Stage directions omitted.

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ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all,
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.
Say that I linger’d with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
And that tomorrow you will bring it home.
But here’s a villain that would face me down.
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
And charg’d him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.
drunkard, , what mean by this?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know.
That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show;
If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

I think art an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Marry, so it appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kick’d; and being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

You’re sad, Signior Balthasar; pray God our cheer
May answer my good will and your good welcome here.

BALTHASAR

I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

O, Signior Balthasar, either at flesh or fish
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.

BALTHASAR

Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words.

BALTHASAR

Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But soft; my door is lock’d. Go bid them let us in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get from the door or sit down at the hatch:
conjure for wenches, that call’st for such store
When one is one too many? Go, get from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Let him walk from he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Who talks within there? Ho, open the door.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Right, sir, I’ll tell you when an you’ll tell me .

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

? For my dinner. I have not dined today.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Nor today here you must not; come again when you may.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

What art that keep’st me out from the house I owe?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

O villain, stolen both mine office and my name;
The one got me credit, the other mickle blame.
If hadst been Dromio today in my place,
have chang’d face for a name, or name for an ass.

LUCE

What a coil is there, Dromio, who are those at the gate?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Let my master in, Luce.

LUCE

Faith, no, he comes too late,
And so tell your master.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

O Lord, I must laugh;
Have at you with a proverb:—Shall I set in my staff?

LUCE

Have at you with another: that’s—When? can you tell?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

If name be called Luce,—Luce, answer’d him well.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Do you hear, you minion? you’ll let us in, I hope?

LUCE

I thought to have ask’d you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

And you said no.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

So, come, help. Well struck, there was blow for blow.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

baggage, let me in.

LUCE

Can you tell for whose sake?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Master, knock the door hard.

LUCE

Let him knock till it ache.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

LUCE

What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

ADRIANA

Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Are you there, wife? you might have come before.

ADRIANA

Your wife, sir ? go, get you from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

If you went in pain, master, this would go sore.

ANGELO

Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome. We would have either.

BALTHASAR

In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome .

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold.
It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Go, fetch me something, I’ll break ope the gate.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind;
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

It seems want’st breaking; out upon , hind!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Here’s too much “out upon ”; I pray , let me in.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Well, I’ll break in; go, borrow me a crow.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

A crow without feather; master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather.
If a crow help us in, , we’ll pluck a crow together.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Go, get gone; fetch me an iron crow.

BALTHASAR

Have patience, sir. O, let it not be so:
Herein you war against your reputation,
And draw within the compass of suspect
The unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this,—your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be rul’d by me; depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
And about evening, come yourself alone
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it;
And that supposed by the common rout
Against your yet ungalled estimation
That may with foul intrusion enter in,
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
For slander lives upon succession,
For ever hous’d where it gets possession.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

You have prevail’d. I will depart in quiet,
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a of excellent discourse,
Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle;
There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
My wife (but, I protest, without desert)
oftentimes upbraided me ;
To her will we to dinner.—Get you home
And fetch the chain, by this I know made.
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine,
For there’s the house. That chain will I bestow
(Be it for nothing but to spite my wife)
Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste.
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.