OSWALD
Good dawning to , friend: art of this house?
KENT
Ay.
OSWALD
Where may we set our horses?
KENT
I’ the mire.
OSWALD
, if lov’st me, tell me.
KENT
I love not.
OSWALD
Why then, I care not for .
KENT
If I had in Lipsbury pinfold, I would make care for me.
OSWALD
Why use me thus? I know not.
KENT
Fellow, I know .
OSWALD
What know me for?
KENT
A ; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking ; a lily-livered, action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable, finical rogue; one trunk-inheriting slave; one that be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a , beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if deniest the least syllable of addition.
OSWALD
Why, what a monstrous fellow art , thus to rail on one that’s neither known of nor knows ?
KENT
What a brazen-faced varlet art , to deny knowest me! Is it two days ago since I tripped up heels and beat before the King? Draw, you rogue: for, though it be night, yet the moon shines; I’ll make a sop o’ the moonshine of you: draw, you whoreson cullionly barber-monger, draw!
OSWALD
Away! I have nothing to do with .
KENT
Draw, you rascal: you come with letters against the King; and take vanity the puppet’s part against the royalty of her father: draw, you rogue, or I’ll so carbonado your shanks:—draw, you rascal; come your ways!
OSWALD
Help, ho! murder! help!
KENT
Strike, you slave; stand, rogue, stand; you neat slave, strike!
OSWALD
Help, ho! murder! murder!
EDMUND
How now! What’s the matter? Part!
KENT
With you, goodman boy, if you please: come, I’ll flesh ; come on, young master.
GLOUCESTER
Weapons! arms! What’s the matter here?
CORNWALL
Keep peace, upon your lives, he dies that strikes again. What is the matter?
REGAN
The messengers from our sister and the King.
CORNWALL
What is your difference? Speak.
OSWALD
I am scarce in breath, my lord.
KENT
No marvel, you have so bestirr’d your valour. You cowardly rascal, nature disclaims in ; a tailor made .
CORNWALL
art a strange fellow: a tailor make a man?
KENT
Ay, a tailor, sir: a stonecutter or a painter could not have made him so ill, though he had been but two years at the trade.
CORNWALL
Speak yet, how grew your quarrel?
OSWALD
This ancient ruffian, sir, whose life I have spared at suit of his grey beard,—
KENT
whoreson zed! unnecessary letter! My lord, if you’ll give me leave, I will tread this unbolted villain into mortar and daub the walls of a jakes with him. Spare my grey beard, you wagtail?
CORNWALL
Peace, !
You beastly , know you no reverence?
KENT
Yes, sir; but anger a privilege.
CORNWALL
Why art angry?
KENT
That such a slave as this should wear a sword,
Who wears no honesty. Such smiling rogues as these,
Like rats, bite the holy cords a-twain
Which are too intrince t’unloose; smooth every passion
That in the natures of their lords rebel;
Bring oil to fire, snow to their colder moods;
Renege, affirm, and turn their halcyon beaks
With every gale and vary of their masters,
Knowing , like dogs, but following.
A plague upon your epileptic visage!
Smile you my speeches, as I were a fool?
Goose, if I had you upon Sarum plain,
I’d drive cackling home to Camelot.
CORNWALL
What, art mad, old fellow?
GLOUCESTER
How fell you out? Say that.
KENT
No contraries hold more antipathy
Than I and such a .
CORNWALL
Why call him ? What is his fault?
KENT
His countenance likes me not.
CORNWALL
No more does mine, or his, or hers.
KENT
Sir, my occupation to be plain:
I have seen better faces in my time
Than stands on any shoulder that I see
Before me at this instant.
CORNWALL
This is some fellow
Who, having been prais’d for bluntness, affect
A saucy roughness, and constrains the garb
Quite from his nature: he cannot flatter, he,
An honest mind and plain, he must speak truth!
An they will take it, so; if not, he’s plain.
These kind of knaves I know which in this plainness
Harbour more craft and more corrupter ends
Than twenty silly-ducking observants
That stretch their duties nicely.
KENT
Sir, in good faith, in sincere verity,
Under th’allowance of your great aspect,
Whose influence, like the wreath of radiant fire
On flickering Phoebus’ front,—
CORNWALL
What mean’st by this?
KENT
To go out of my dialect, which you discommend so much. I know, sir, I am no flatterer: he that beguiled you in a plain accent was a plain ; which, for my part, I will not be, though I should win your displeasure to entreat me to’t.
CORNWALL
What was the offence you gave him?
OSWALD
I never gave him any:
It pleas’d the King his master very late
To strike at me, upon his misconstruction;
When he, compact, and flattering his displeasure,
Tripp’d me behind; being down, insulted, rail’d
And put upon him such a deal of man,
That worthied him, got praises of the King
For him attempting who was self-subdu’d;
And, in the fleshment of this dread exploit,
Drew on me here again.
KENT
None of these rogues and cowards
But Ajax is their fool.
CORNWALL
Fetch forth the stocks!
You stubborn ancient , you reverent braggart,
We’ll teach you.
KENT
Sir, I am too old to learn:
Call not your stocks for me: I serve the King;
On whose employment I was sent to you:
You shall do small respect, show too bold malice
Against the grace and person of my master,
Stocking his messenger.
CORNWALL
Fetch forth the stocks!
As I have life and honour, there shall he sit till noon.
REGAN
Till noon! Till night, my lord; and all night too!
KENT
Why, madam, if I were your father’s dog,
You should not use me so.
REGAN
Sir, being his , I will.
CORNWALL
This is a fellow of the selfsame colour
Our sister speaks of. Come, bring away the stocks!
GLOUCESTER
Let me beseech your grace not to do so:
His fault is much, and the good King his master
Will check him for’t: your purpos’d low correction
Is such as basest and contemned’st wretches
For pilferings and most common trespasses,
Are punish’d with. The King must take it ill
That he, so slightly valued in his messenger,
Should have him thus restrained.
CORNWALL
I’ll answer that.
REGAN
My sister may receive it much more worse,
To have her gentleman abus’d, assaulted,
For following her affairs. Put in his legs.
CORNWALL
Come, my good lord, away.
GLOUCESTER
I am sorry for , friend; the Duke’s pleasure,
Whose disposition, all the world well knows,
Will not be rubb’d nor stopp’d; I’ll entreat for .
KENT
Pray do not, sir: I have watch’d, and travell’d hard;
Some time I shall sleep out, the rest I’ll whistle.
A good man’s fortune may grow out at heels:
Give you good morrow!
GLOUCESTER
The Duke’s to blame in this: ’twill be ill taken.
KENT
Good King, that must approve the common saw,
out of heaven’s benediction com’st
To the warm sun.
Approach, beacon to this under globe,
That by comfortable beams I may
Peruse this letter. Nothing almost sees miracles
But misery. I know from Cordelia,
Who most fortunately been inform’d
Of my obscured course. And shall find time
From this enormous state, seeking to give
Losses their remedies. All weary and o’erwatch’d,
Take vantage, heavy eyes, not to behold
This shameful lodging.
Fortune, good night: smile once more, turn wheel!