PRINCE
Ned, , come out of that fat room, and lend me hand to laugh a little.
POINS
Where been, Hal?
PRINCE
With three or four loggerheads amongst three or fourscore hogsheads. I have sounded the very base-string of humility. , I am sworn brother to a leash of drawers, and can call them all by their Christian names, as Tom, Dick, and Francis. They take it already upon their salvation, that though I be but Prince of Wales, yet I am the king of courtesy, and tell me flatly I am no proud Jack, like Falstaff, but a Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a good boy,—by the Lord, so they call me—and when I am King of England, I shall command all the good lads in Eastcheap. They call drinking deep, “dyeing scarlet,” and when you breathe in your watering, they cry “Hem!” and bid you “Play it off!” To conclude, I am so good a proficient in one quarter of an hour, that I can drink with any tinker in his own language during my life. I tell , Ned, lost much honour that wert not with me in this action; but, sweet Ned—to sweeten which name of Ned, I give this pennyworth of sugar, clapped even now into my hand by an underskinker, one that never spake other English in his life than “Eight shillings and sixpence,” and “You are welcome,” with this shrill addition, “, , sir! Score a pint of bastard in the Half-moon,” or so. But, Ned, to drive away the time till Falstaff come, I , do stand in some by-room, while I question my puny drawer to what end he gave me the sugar, and do never leave calling “Francis,” that his tale to me may be nothing but “.” Step aside, and I’ll show a precedent.
POINS
Francis!
PRINCE
art perfect.
POINS
Francis!
FRANCIS
, , sir.—Look down into the Pomegarnet, Ralph.
PRINCE
Come , Francis.
FRANCIS
My lord?
PRINCE
How long to serve, Francis?
FRANCIS
, five years, and as much as to—
POINS
Francis!
FRANCIS
, , sir.
PRINCE
Five year! By’r Lady, a long lease for the clinking of pewter! But, Francis, darest be so valiant as to play the coward with indenture, and show it a fair pair of heels, and run from it?
FRANCIS
O Lord, sir, I’ll be sworn upon all the books in England, I could find in my heart—
POINS
Francis!
FRANCIS
, sir.
PRINCE
How old art , Francis?
FRANCIS
Let me see, about Michaelmas next I shall be—
POINS
Francis!
FRANCIS
, sir.—Pray, stay a little, my lord.
PRINCE
Nay, but hark you, Francis, for the sugar gavest me, a pennyworth, was’t not?
FRANCIS
O Lord, I would it had been two!
PRINCE
I will give for it a thousand pound. Ask me when wilt, and have it.
POINS
Francis!
FRANCIS
, .
PRINCE
, Francis? No, Francis, but tomorrow, Francis; or, Francis, a Thursday; or indeed, Francis, when wilt. But, Francis,—
FRANCIS
My lord?
PRINCE
Wilt rob this leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, not-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch—
FRANCIS
O Lord, sir, who do you mean?
PRINCE
Why, then, your brown bastard is your only drink, for look you, Francis, your white canvas doublet will sully. In Barbary, sir, it cannot come to so much.
FRANCIS
What, sir?
POINS
Francis!
PRINCE
Away, you rogue! not hear them call?
VINTNER
What, stand’st still, and hear’st such a calling? Look to the guests within.
VINTNER
My lord, old Sir John with half-a-dozen more are at the door. Shall I let them in?
PRINCE
Let them alone awhile, and then open the door.
PRINCE
Poins!
POINS
, , sir.
PRINCE
, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at the door; shall we be merry?
POINS
As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark , what cunning match have you made with this jest of the drawer? Come, what’s the issue?
PRINCE
I am now of all humours that have showed themselves humours since the old days of goodman Adam to the pupil age of this present twelve o’clock at midnight.
PRINCE
What’s o’clock, Francis?
FRANCIS
, , sir.
PRINCE
That ever this fellow should have fewer words than a parrot, and yet the son of a woman! His industry is upstairs and downstairs; his eloquence the parcel of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy’s mind, the Hotspur of the north, he that kills me some six or seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his hands, and says to his wife, “Fie upon this quiet life! I want work.” “O my sweet Harry,” says she, “how many killed today?” “Give my roan horse a drench,” says he; and answers, “Some fourteen,” an hour after; “a trifle, a trifle.” I , call in Falstaff. I’ll play Percy, and that damned brawn shall play Dame Mortimer his wife. Rivo! says the drunkard. Call in Ribs, call in Tallow.
POINS
Welcome, Jack. Where been?
FALSTAFF
A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! Marry, and amen! Give me a cup of sack, boy. I lead this life long, I’ll sew nether-stocks, and mend them and foot them too. A plague of all cowards! Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?
PRINCE
never see Titan kiss a dish of butter (pitiful-hearted Titan!), that melted at the sweet tale of the sun’s? If , then behold that compound.
FALSTAFF
You rogue, here’s lime in this sack too: there is nothing but roguery to be found in villainous man, yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it. A villanous coward! Go ways, old Jack. Die when wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face of the Earth, then am I a shotten herring. There lives not three good men unhanged in England, and one of them is fat, and grows old, God help the while, a bad world, I say. I would I were a weaver; I could sing psalms or anything. A plague of all cowards, I say still.
PRINCE
How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
FALSTAFF
A king’s son! If I do not beat out of kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all subjects afore like a flock of wild-geese, I’ll never wear hair on my face more. You, Prince of Wales!
PRINCE
Why, you whoreson round man, what’s the matter?
FALSTAFF
Are not you a coward? Answer me to that—and Poins there?
POINS
Zounds, fat paunch, an call me coward, by the Lord, I’ll stab .
FALSTAFF
I call coward? I’ll see damned I call coward, but I would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as canst. You are straight enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back. Call you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! Give me them that will face me.—Give me a cup of sack. I am a rogue if I drunk today.
PRINCE
O villain! lips are scarce wiped since drunk’st last.
FALSTAFF
All is one for that. A plague of all cowards, still say I.
PRINCE
What’s the matter?
FALSTAFF
What’s the matter? There be four of us here have ta’en a thousand pound this day morning.
PRINCE
Where is it, Jack, where is it?
FALSTAFF
Where is it? Taken from us it is: a hundred upon poor four of us.
PRINCE
What, a hundred, man?
FALSTAFF
I am a rogue if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them two hours together. I have ’scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through the hose, my buckler cut through and through, my sword hacked like a handsaw. Ecce signum! I never dealt better since I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all cowards! Let them speak. If they speak more or less than truth, they are villains, and the sons of darkness.
PRINCE
Speak, sirs, how was it?
GADSHILL
We four set upon some dozen.
FALSTAFF
Sixteen at least, my lord.
GADSHILL
And bound them.
PETO
No, no, they were not bound.
FALSTAFF
You rogue, they were bound, every man of them, or I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.
GADSHILL
As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us.
FALSTAFF
And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.
PRINCE
What, fought you with them all?
FALSTAFF
All? I know not what you call all, but if I fought not with fifty of them I am a bunch of radish. If there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.
PRINCE
Pray God you have not murdered some of them.
FALSTAFF
Nay, that’s past praying for. I have peppered two of them. Two I am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram suits. I tell what, Hal, if I tell a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. knowest my old ward. Here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me.
PRINCE
What, four? saidst but two even now.
FALSTAFF
Four, Hal, I told four.
POINS
Ay, ay, he said four.
FALSTAFF
These four came all afront, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no more ado, but took all their seven points in my target, thus.
PRINCE
Seven? Why, there were but four even now.
FALSTAFF
In buckram?
POINS
Ay, four, in buckram suits.
FALSTAFF
Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
PRINCE
let him alone, we shall have more .
FALSTAFF
hear me, Hal?
PRINCE
Ay, and mark too, Jack.
FALSTAFF
Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in buckram that I told of—
PRINCE
So, two more already.
FALSTAFF
Their points being broken—
POINS
Down fell their hose.
FALSTAFF
Began to give me ground; but I followed me close, came in foot and hand, and with a thought seven of the eleven I paid.
PRINCE
O monstrous! Eleven buckram men grown out of two!
FALSTAFF
But as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive at me, for it was so dark, Hal, that not see hand.
PRINCE
These lies are like the father that begets them, gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, clay-brained guts, knotty-pated fool, whoreson, obscene greasy tallow-catch—
FALSTAFF
What, art mad? Art mad? Is not the truth the truth?
PRINCE
Why, how know these men in Kendal green, when it was so dark not see hand? Come, tell us your reason. What sayest to this?
POINS
Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
FALSTAFF
What, upon compulsion? Zounds, an I were at the strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion! If reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.
PRINCE
I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin. This sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this horse-back-breaker, this huge hill of flesh—
FALSTAFF
’Sblood, you starveling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish—O, for breath to utter what is like ! You tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck—
PRINCE
Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again, and when tired thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this.
POINS
Mark, Jack.
PRINCE
We two saw you four set on four, and bound them and were masters of their wealth. Mark now how a plain tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you four, and, with a word, outfaced you from your prize, and have it, yea, and can show it you here in the house. And, Falstaff, you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared for mercy, and still ran and roared, as ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art to hack sword as done, and then say it was in fight! What trick, what device, what starting-hole canst now find out to hide from this open and apparent shame?
POINS
Come, let’s hear, Jack, what trick now?
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, I knew as well as he that made . Why, hear you, my masters, was it for me to kill the heir-apparent? Should I turn upon the true prince? Why, knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but beware instinct. The lion will not touch the true prince. Instinct is a great matter. I was now a coward on instinct. I shall think the better of myself, and , during my life—I for a valiant lion, and for a true prince. But, by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the money.—Hostess, clap to the doors. Watch tonight, pray tomorrow. Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles of good fellowship come to you! What, shall we be merry? Shall we have a play extempore?
PRINCE
Content; and the argument shall be running away.
FALSTAFF
Ah, no more of that, Hal, an lovest me!
HOSTESS
O Jesu, my lord the Prince—
PRINCE
How now, my lady the hostess! What say’st to me?
HOSTESS
Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at door would speak with you: he says he comes from your father.
PRINCE
Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and send him back again to my mother.
FALSTAFF
What manner of man is he?
HOSTESS
An old man.
FALSTAFF
What gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall I give him his answer?
PRINCE
do, Jack.
FALSTAFF
Faith, and I’ll send him packing.
PRINCE
Now, sirs: by’r Lady, you fought fair, so did you, Peto. So did you, Bardolph. You are lions, too, you ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true prince, no, fie!
BARDOLPH
Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
PRINCE
Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff’s sword so hacked?
PETO
Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would swear truth out of England but he would make you believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.
BARDOLPH
Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments with it, and swear it was the blood of true men. I did that I did not this seven year before: I blushed to hear his monstrous devices.
PRINCE
O villain, stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since blushed extempore. hadst fire and sword on side, and yet ran’st away. What instinct hadst for it?
BARDOLPH
My lord, do you see these meteors? Do you behold these exhalations?
PRINCE
I do.
BARDOLPH
What think you they portend?
PRINCE
Hot livers and cold purses.
BARDOLPH
Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
PRINCE
No, if rightly taken, halter.
PRINCE
Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone. How now, my sweet creature of bombast? How long is’t ago, Jack, since sawest own knee?
FALSTAFF
My own knee? When I was about years, Hal, I was not an eagle’s talon in the waist. I could have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring: a plague of sighing and grief! It blows a man up like a bladder. There’s villanous news abroad: here was Sir John Bracy from your father; you must to the court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the north, Percy, and he of Wales that gave Amamon the bastinado, and made Lucifer cuckold, and swore the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook—what a plague call you him?
POINS
O, Glendower.
FALSTAFF
Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs a-horseback up a hill perpendicular—
PRINCE
He that rides at high speed, and with his pistol kills a sparrow flying.
FALSTAFF
You have hit it.
PRINCE
So did he never the sparrow.
FALSTAFF
Well, that rascal good metal in him, he will not run.
PRINCE
Why, what a rascal art then, to praise him so for running!
FALSTAFF
A-horseback, cuckoo, but afoot he will not budge a foot.
PRINCE
Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
FALSTAFF
I grant , upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more. Worcester is stolen away tonight; father’s beard is turned white with the news. You may buy land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.
PRINCE
Why then, it is like if there come a hot June, and this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hobnails, by the hundreds.
FALSTAFF
By the mass, lad, sayest true. It is like we shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not horrible afeard? being heir-apparent, could the world pick out three such enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art not horribly afraid? not blood thrill at it?
PRINCE
Not a whit, i’faith. I lack some of instinct.
FALSTAFF
Well, wilt be horribly chid tomorrow when comest to father. If love me practise an answer.
PRINCE
Do stand for my father and examine me upon the particulars of my life.
FALSTAFF
Shall I? Content! This chair shall be my state, this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my crown.
PRINCE
state is taken for a joint-stool, golden sceptre for a leaden dagger, and precious rich crown for a pitiful bald crown.
FALSTAFF
Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of , now be moved. Give me a cup of sack to make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I have wept, for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in King Cambyses’ vein.
PRINCE
Well, here is my leg.
FALSTAFF
And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
HOSTESS
O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i faith!
FALSTAFF
Weep not, sweet Queen, for trickling tears are vain.
HOSTESS
O, the Father, how he holds his countenance!
FALSTAFF
For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful Queen,
For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes.
HOSTESS
O Jesu, he it as like one of these harlotry players as ever I see!
FALSTAFF
Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.—Harry, I do not only marvel where spendest time, but also how art accompanied. For though the camomile, the more it is trodden on, the faster it grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted, the sooner it wears. That art my son I have partly mother’s word, partly my own opinion, but chiefly a villainous trick of eye, and a foolish hanging of nether lip, that warrant me. If then be son to me, here lies the point: why, being son to me, art so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun of heaven prove a micher, and eat blackberries? A question not to be asked. Shall the son of England prove a thief, and take purses? A question to be asked. There is a thing, Harry, which often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch. This pitch, as ancient writers do report, defile; so the company keepest. For, Harry, now I do not speak to in drink, but in tears; not in pleasure, but in passion; not in words only, but in woes also. And yet there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in company, but I know not his name.
PRINCE
What manner of man, an it like your Majesty?
FALSTAFF
A goodly portly man, i’faith, and a corpulent; of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by’r Lady, inclining to threescore; and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff. If that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that Falstaff; him keep with, the rest banish. And tell me now, naughty varlet, tell me where been this month?
PRINCE
speak like a king? Do stand for me, and I’ll play my father.
FALSTAFF
Depose me? If it half so gravely, so majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter’s hare.
PRINCE
Well, here I am set.
FALSTAFF
And here I stand. Judge, my masters.
PRINCE
Now, Harry, come you?
FALSTAFF
My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
PRINCE
The complaints I hear of are grievous.
FALSTAFF
’Sblood, my lord, they are false.—Nay, I’ll tickle for a young prince, i’faith.
PRINCE
Swearest , ungracious boy? Henceforth look on me. art violently carried away from grace. There is a devil haunts in the likeness of an old fat man. A tun of man is companion. Why converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that reverend Vice, that grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? Wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it? Wherein cunning, but in craft? Wherein crafty, but in villany? Wherein villainous, but in all things? Wherein worthy, but in nothing?
FALSTAFF
I would your Grace would take me with you. Whom means your Grace?
PRINCE
That villainous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.
FALSTAFF
My lord, the man I know.
PRINCE
I know .
FALSTAFF
But to say I know more harm in him than in myself were to say more than I know. That he is old, the more the pity, his white hairs do witness it. But that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked! If to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned. If to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved. No, my good lord, banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins, but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant, being as he is old Jack Falstaff, banish not him Harry’s company, banish not him Harry’s company. Banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.
PRINCE
I do, I will.
BARDOLPH
O, my lord, my lord, the sheriff with a most monstrous watch is at the door.
FALSTAFF
Out, rogue! Play out the play. I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
HOSTESS
O Jesu, my lord, my lord—
PRINCE
Heigh, heigh, the devil rides upon a fiddlestick. What’s the matter?
HOSTESS
The sheriff and all the watch are at the door. They are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?
FALSTAFF
hear, Hal? Never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit: art essentially made without seeming so.
PRINCE
And a natural coward without instinct.
FALSTAFF
I deny your major. If you will deny the sheriff, so; if not, let him enter. If I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up! I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another.
PRINCE
Go hide behind the arras. The rest walk up above. Now, my masters, for a true face and good conscience.
FALSTAFF
Both which I have had, but their date is out, and therefore I’ll hide me.
PRINCE
Call in the sheriff.
PRINCE
Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?
SHERIFF
First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
followed certain men unto this house.
PRINCE
What men?
SHERIFF
One of them is well known, my gracious lord,
A gross fat man.
CARRIER
As fat as butter.
PRINCE
The man I do assure you is not here,
For I myself at this time have employ’d him.
And, sheriff, I will engage my word to ,
That I will by tomorrow dinner-time,
Send him to answer , or any man,
For anything he shall be charged .
And so let me entreat you leave the house.
SHERIFF
I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.
PRINCE
It may be so. If he have robb’d these men,
He shall be answerable; and so, farewell.
SHERIFF
Good night, my noble lord.
PRINCE
I think it is good morrow, is it not?
SHERIFF
Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o’clock.
PRINCE
This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s. Go, call him forth.
PETO
Falstaff!—Fast asleep behind the arras, and snorting like a horse.
PRINCE
Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search his pockets.
PRINCE
What found?
PETO
Nothing but papers, my lord.
PRINCE
Let’s see what they be. Read them.
PETO
Item, a capon, . . . . . . . . . . . 2s. 2d.
Item, sauce, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4d.
Item, sack, two gallons, . . . 5s. 8d.
Item, anchovies and sack after supper, 2s. 6d.
Item, bread, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ob.
PRINCE
O monstrous! But one halfpennyworth of bread to this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else, keep close. We’ll read it at more advantage. There let him sleep till day. I’ll to the court in the morning. We must all to the wars, and place shall be honourable. I’ll procure this fat rogue a charge of foot, and I know his death will be a march of twelve score. The money shall be paid back again with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning; and so, good morrow, Peto.
PETO
Good morrow, good my lord.