POINS
Come, shelter, shelter! I have removed Falstaff’s horse, and he frets like a gummed velvet.
PRINCE
Stand close.
FALSTAFF
Poins! Poins, and be hanged! Poins!
PRINCE
Peace, fat-kidneyed rascal! What a brawling keep!
FALSTAFF
Where’s Poins, Hal?
PRINCE
He is walked up to the top of the hill. I’ll go seek him.
FALSTAFF
I am accursed to rob in that thief’s company. The rascal removed my horse and tied him I know not where. If I travel but four foot by the square further afoot, I shall break my wind. Well, I doubt not but to die a fair death for all this, if I ’scape hanging for killing that rogue. I have forsworn his company hourly any time this two-and-twenty years, and yet I am bewitched with the rogue’s company. If the rascal have not given me medicines to make me love him, I’ll be hanged. It could not be else: I have drunk medicines. Poins! Hal! A plague upon you both! Bardolph! Peto! I’ll starve I’ll rob a foot further. An ’twere not as good a deed as drink, to turn true man, and to leave these rogues, I am the veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth. Eight yards of uneven ground is threescore and ten miles afoot with me, and the stony-hearted villains know it well enough. A plague upon it when thieves cannot be true one to another! Whew! A plague upon you all! Give me my horse, you rogues, give me my horse and be hanged!
PRINCE
Peace, you fat guts, lie down, lay ear close to the ground, and list if canst hear the tread of travellers.
FALSTAFF
Have you any levers to lift me up again, being down? ’Sblood, I’ll not bear my own flesh so far afoot again for all the coin in father’s exchequer. What a plague mean to colt me thus?
PRINCE
liest, art not colted, art uncolted.
FALSTAFF
I , good Prince Hal, help me to my horse, good king’s son.
PRINCE
Out, rogue! Shall I be your ostler?
FALSTAFF
Hang thyself in own heir-apparent garters! If I be ta’en, I’ll peach for this. An I have not ballads made on you all, and sung to filthy tunes, let a cup of sack be my poison—when a jest is so forward, and afoot too! I hate it.
GADSHILL
Stand!
FALSTAFF
So I do, against my will.
POINS
O, our setter. I know his voice.
BARDOLPH
What news?
GADSHILL
Case , case , on with your visards. There’s money of the King’s coming down the hill, going to the King’s exchequer.
FALSTAFF
You lie, rogue, going to the King’s tavern.
GADSHILL
There’s enough to make us all.
FALSTAFF
To be hanged.
PRINCE
Sirs, you four shall front them in the narrow lane. Ned Poins and I will walk lower; if they ’scape from your encounter, then they light on us.
PETO
How many be there of them?
GADSHILL
Some eight or ten.
FALSTAFF
Zounds, will they not rob us?
PRINCE
What, a coward, Sir John Paunch?
FALSTAFF
Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather, but yet no coward, Hal.
PRINCE
Well, we leave that to the proof.
POINS
Jack, horse stands behind the hedge. When need’st him, there find him. Farewell, and stand fast.
FALSTAFF
Now cannot I strike him, if I should be hanged.
PRINCE
Ned, where are our disguises?
POINS
Here, hard by. Stand close.
FALSTAFF
Now, my masters, happy man be his dole, say I. Every man to his business.
FIRST TRAVELLER
Come, neighbour, the boy shall lead our horses down the hill; we’ll walk afoot awhile and ease our legs.
THIEVES
Stand!
SECOND TRAVELLER
Jesu bless us!
FALSTAFF
Strike, down with them, cut the villains’ throats! Ah, whoreson caterpillars, bacon-fed knaves, they hate us youth. Down with them, fleece them!
FIRST TRAVELLER
O, we are undone, both we and ours for ever!
FALSTAFF
Hang , gorbellied knaves, are undone? No, fat chuffs, I would your store were here! On, bacons, on! What, knaves! young men must live. You are grandjurors, are ? We’ll jure , faith.
PRINCE
The thieves have bound the true men. Now could and I rob the thieves, and go merrily to London, it would be argument for a week, laughter for a month, and a good jest for ever.
POINS
Stand close, I hear them coming.
FALSTAFF
Come, my masters, let us share, and then to horse before day. An the Prince and Poins be not two arrant cowards, there’s no equity stirring. There’s no more valour in that Poins than in a wild duck.
PRINCE
Your money!
POINS
Villains!
PRINCE
Got with much ease. Now merrily to horse.
The thieves are all scatter’d, and possess’d with fear
So strongly that they dare not meet each other;
Each takes his fellow for an officer.
Away, good Ned. Falstaff sweats to death,
And lards the lean earth as he walks along.
Were’t not for laughing, I should pity him.
POINS
How the fat rogue roared!