Listen to Act 3. LibriVox volunteers recorded “Act 3” as one track, so it runs past this scene and includes stage directions this page leaves out. LibriVox catalog.
SCHOOLMASTER
Fie, fie, What tediosity and disinsanity Is here among ! Have my rudiments Been laboured so long with , milked unto , And, by a figure, even the very plum-broth And marrow of my understanding laid upon , And do you still cry “Where?” and “How?” and “?” You most coarse-frieze capacities, jean judgements, Have I said “Thus let be” and “There let be” And “Then let be” and no man understand me? Proh Deum, medius fidius, are all dunces! For why? Here stand I; here the Duke comes; there are you, Close in the thicket; the Duke appears; I meet him And unto him I utter learned things And many figures; he hears, and nods, and hums, And then cries “Rare!” and I go forward. At length I fling my cap up—mark there! Then do you As once did Meleager and the boar, Break comely out before him; like true lovers, Cast yourselves in a body decently, And sweetly, by a figure, trace and turn, boys.
FIRST COUNTRYMAN
And sweetly we will do it, Master Gerald.
SECOND COUNTRYMAN
Draw up the company. Where’s the taborer?
THIRD COUNTRYMAN
Why, Timothy!
TABORER
Here, my mad boys, have at .
SCHOOLMASTER
But I say, where’s their women?
FOURTH COUNTRYMAN
Here’s Friz and Maudlin.
SECOND COUNTRYMAN
And little Luce with the white legs, and bouncing Barbary.
FIRST COUNTRYMAN
And freckled Nel, that never failed her master.
SCHOOLMASTER
Where be your ribbons, maids? Swim with your bodies, And carry it sweetly and deliverly, And now and then a favour and a frisk.
NEL
Let us alone, sir.
SCHOOLMASTER
Where’s the rest o’ th’ music?
THIRD COUNTRYMAN
Dispersed, as you commanded.
SCHOOLMASTER
Couple, then, And see what’s wanting. Where’s the Bavian? My friend, carry your tail without offence Or scandal to the ladies; and be sure You tumble with audacity and manhood; And when you bark, do it with judgement.
BAVIAN
Yes, sir.
SCHOOLMASTER
Quo usque tandem? Here is a woman wanting.
FOURTH COUNTRYMAN
We may go whistle; all the fat’s i’ th’ fire.
SCHOOLMASTER
We have, as learned authors utter, washed a tile. we have been fatuus and laboured vainly.
SECOND COUNTRYMAN
This is that scornful piece, that scurvy hilding, That gave her promise faithfully, she would be here, Cicely, the sempster’s daughter. The next gloves that I give her shall be dogskin! Nay an she fail me once—You can tell, Arcas, She swore by wine and bread, she would not break.
SCHOOLMASTER
An eel and woman, A learned poet says, unless by th’ tail And with teeth hold, will either fail. In manners this was false position.
FIRST COUNTRYMAN
A fire ill take her; does she flinch now?
THIRD COUNTRYMAN
What Shall we determine, sir?
SCHOOLMASTER
Nothing. Our business is become a nullity, Yea, and a woeful and a piteous nullity.
FOURTH COUNTRYMAN
Now, when the credit of our town lay on it, Now to be frampul, now to piss o’ th’ nettle! Go ways; I’ll remember . I’ll fit .
DAUGHTER
The George Alow came from the south, From the coast of Barbary-a. And there he met with brave gallants of war, By one, by two, by three-a.
DAUGHTER
Well hailed, well hailed, you jolly gallants, And now are you bound-a? O let me have your company Till I come to the sound-a.
DAUGHTER
There was three fools fell out about an howlet: The one said it was an owl, The other he said nay, The third he said it was a hawk, And her bells were cut away.
THIRD COUNTRYMAN
There’s a dainty mad woman, Master, Comes i’ th’ nick, as mad as a March hare. If we can get her dance, we are made again; I warrant her, she’ll do the rarest gambols.
FIRST COUNTRYMAN
A madwoman? We are made, boys.
SCHOOLMASTER
And are you mad, good woman?
DAUGHTER
I would be sorry else. Give me your hand.
SCHOOLMASTER
Why?
DAUGHTER
I can tell your fortune. You are a fool. Tell ten. I have posed him. Buzz! Friend, you must eat no white bread; if you do, Your teeth will bleed extremely. Shall we dance, ho? I know you, you’re a tinker; tinker, Stop no more holes but what you should.
SCHOOLMASTER
Dii boni! A tinker, damsel?
DAUGHTER
Or a conjurer. Raise me a devil now, and let him play Qui passa o’ th’ bells and bones.
SCHOOLMASTER
Go, take her, And fluently persuade her to a peace. Et opus exegi, quod nec Jovis ira, nec ignis— Strike up, and lead her in.
SECOND COUNTRYMAN
Come, lass, let’s trip it.
DAUGHTER
I’ll lead.
THIRD COUNTRYMAN
Do, do!
SCHOOLMASTER
Persuasively, and cunningly. Away, boys; I hear the horns. Give me some meditation, And mark your cue.
SCHOOLMASTER
Pallas inspire me.
THESEUS
This way the stag took.
SCHOOLMASTER
Stay, and edify!
THESEUS
What have we here?
PIRITHOUS
Some country sport, upon my life, sir.
THESEUS
Well, sir, go forward; we will “edify.” Ladies, sit down. We’ll stay it.
SCHOOLMASTER
doughty Duke, all hail! All hail, sweet ladies!
THESEUS
This is a cold beginning.
SCHOOLMASTER
If you but favour, our country pastime made is. We are a few of those collected here That ruder tongues distinguish “villager.” And to say verity, and not to fable, We are a merry rout, or else a rabble, Or company, or by a figure, chorus, That ’fore dignity will dance a morris. And I that am the rectifier of all, By title pædagogus, that let fall The birch upon the breeches of the small ones, And humble with a ferula the tall ones, Do here present this machine, or this frame. And, dainty Duke, whose doughty dismal fame From Dis to Dædalus, from post to pillar, Is blown abroad, help me, poor well-willer, And with twinkling eyes look right and straight Upon this mighty Morr, of mickle weight. Is now comes in, which being glued together Makes Morris, and the cause that we came . The body of our sport, of no small study. I first appear, though rude and raw and muddy, To speak before noble grace this tenner, At whose great feet I offer up my penner. The next, the Lord of May and Lady bright, The Chambermaid and Servingman, by night That seek out silent hanging; then mine Host And his fat Spouse, that welcomes to their cost The galled traveller, and with a beck’ning Informs the tapster to inflame the reck’ning. Then the beest-eating Clown and next the Fool, The Bavian with long tail and eke long tool, Cum multis aliis that make a dance. Say “Ay,” and all shall advance.
THESEUS
Ay, ay, by any means, dear Domine.
PIRITHOUS
Produce.
SCHOOLMASTER
Intrate, filii! Come forth and foot it.
SCHOOLMASTER
Ladies, if we have been merry And have pleased with a derry, And a derry, and a down, Say the schoolmaster’s no clown. Duke, if we have pleased too And have done as good boys should do, Give us but a tree or twain For a Maypole, and again, another year run out, We’ll make laugh, and all this rout.
THESEUS
Take twenty, Domine.—How does my sweetheart?
HIPPOLYTA
Never so pleased, sir.
EMILIA
an excellent dance, And, for a preface, I never heard a better.
THESEUS
Schoolmaster, I thank you.—One see’em all rewarded.
PIRITHOUS
And here’s something to paint your pole .
THESEUS
Now to our sports again.
SCHOOLMASTER
May the stag hunt’st stand long, And dogs be swift and strong; May they kill him without lets, And the ladies eat his dowsets.
SCHOOLMASTER
Come, we are all made. Dii deæque omnes, You have danced rarely, wenches.