AJAX
Thersites!
THERSITES
Agamemnon—how if he had boils, full, all over, generally?
AJAX
Thersites!
THERSITES
And those boils did run—say so. Did not the general run then? Were not that a botchy core?
AJAX
Dog!
THERSITES
Then there would come some matter from him;
I see none now.
AJAX
bitch-wolf’s son, canst not hear? Feel, then.
THERSITES
The plague of Greece upon , mongrel beef-witted lord!
AJAX
Speak, then, unsalted leaven, speak. I will beat into handsomeness.
THERSITES
I shall sooner rail into wit and holiness; but I think horse will sooner con an oration than learn a prayer without book. canst strike, canst ? A red murrain o’ jade’s tricks!
AJAX
Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
THERSITES
think I have no sense, strikest me thus?
AJAX
The proclamation!
THERSITES
art proclaim’d fool, I think.
AJAX
Do not, porpentine, do not; my fingers itch.
THERSITES
I would itch from head to foot and I had the scratching of ; I would make the loathsomest scab in Greece. When art forth in the incursions, strikest as slow as another.
AJAX
I say, the proclamation.
THERSITES
grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles; and art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at Proserpina’s beauty—ay, that bark’st at him.
AJAX
Mistress Thersites!
THERSITES
strike him.
AJAX
Cobloaf!
THERSITES
He would pun into shivers with his fist, as a sailor breaks a biscuit.
AJAX
You whoreson cur!
THERSITES
Do, do.
AJAX
stool for a witch!
THERSITES
Ay, do, do; sodden-witted lord! no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an asinico may tutor . You scurvy valiant ass! art here but to thrash Trojans, and art bought and sold among those of any wit like a barbarian slave. If use to beat me, I will begin at heel and tell what art by inches, thing of no bowels, !
AJAX
You dog!
THERSITES
You scurvy lord!
AJAX
You cur!
THERSITES
Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
ACHILLES
Why, how now, Ajax! do thus?
How now, Thersites! What’s the matter, man?
THERSITES
You see him there, do you?
ACHILLES
Ay; what’s the matter?
THERSITES
Nay, look upon him.
ACHILLES
So I do. What’s the matter?
THERSITES
Nay, but regard him well.
ACHILLES
Well! why, so I do.
THERSITES
But yet you look not well upon him; for whosomever you take him to be, he is Ajax.
ACHILLES
I know that, fool.
THERSITES
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
AJAX
Therefore I beat .
THERSITES
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! His evasions have ears thus long. I have bobb’d his brain more than he has beat my bones. I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow. This lord, Achilles—Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and his guts in his head—I’ll tell you what I say of him.
ACHILLES
What?
THERSITES
I say this Ajax—
ACHILLES
Nay, good Ajax.
THERSITES
Has not so much wit—
ACHILLES
Nay, I must hold you.
THERSITES
As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he comes to fight.
ACHILLES
Peace, fool.
THERSITES
I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not— he there; that he; look you there.
AJAX
O damned cur! I shall—
ACHILLES
Will you set your wit to a fool’s?
THERSITES
No, I warrant you, the fool’s will shame it.
PATROCLUS
Good words, Thersites.
ACHILLES
What’s the quarrel?
AJAX
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenour of the proclamation, and he rails upon me.
THERSITES
I serve not.
AJAX
Well, go to, go to.
THERSITES
I serve here voluntary.
ACHILLES
Your last service was suff’rance; not voluntary. No man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
THERSITES
so; a great deal of your wit too lies in your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall have a great catch and knock out either of your brains: a’ were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.
ACHILLES
What, with me too, Thersites?
THERSITES
There’s Ulysses and old Nestor—whose wit was mouldy your grandsires had nails on their toes—yoke you like draught oxen, and make you plough up the wars.
ACHILLES
What, what?
THERSITES
Yes, good sooth. To Achilles, to Ajax, to—
AJAX
I shall cut out your tongue.
THERSITES
no matter; I shall speak as much as afterwards.
PATROCLUS
No more words, Thersites; peace!
THERSITES
I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach bids me, shall I?
ACHILLES
There’s for you, Patroclus.
THERSITES
I will see you hang’d like clotpoles I come any more to your tents. I will keep where there is wit stirring, and leave the faction of fools.
PATROCLUS
A good riddance.
ACHILLES
Marry, this, sir, is proclaim’d through all our host,
That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy,
Tomorrow morning, call some knight to arms
That a stomach; and such a one that dare
Maintain I know not what; trash. Farewell.
AJAX
Farewell. Who shall answer him?
ACHILLES
I know not; put to lott’ry, otherwise,
He knew his man.
AJAX
O, meaning you? I will go learn more of it.