GOWER
Nay, that’s right; but why wear you your leek today?
Saint Davy’s day is past.
FLUELLEN
There is occasions and causes why and in all things. I will tell you ass my friend, Captain Gower. The rascally, scald, beggarly, lousy, pragging , Pistol, which you and yourself and all the world know to be no petter than a fellow, look you now, of no merits, he is come to me and prings me pread and salt yesterday, look you, and bid me eat my leek. It was in a place where I could not breed no contention with him; but I will be so bold as to wear it in my cap till I see him once again, and then I will tell him a little piece of my desires.
GOWER
Why, here he comes, swelling like a turkey-cock.
FLUELLEN
no matter for his swellings nor his turkey-cocks. God pless you, Anchient Pistol! you scurvy, lousy , God pless you!
PISTOL
Ha! art bedlam? thirst, base Trojan,
To have me fold up Parca’s fatal web?
! I am qualmish at the smell of leek.
FLUELLEN
I peseech you heartily, scurfy, lousy , at my desires, and my requests, and my petitions, to eat, look you, this leek. Because, look you, you do not love it, nor your affections and your appetites and your digestions does not agree with it, I would desire you to eat it.
PISTOL
Not for Cadwallader and all his goats.
FLUELLEN
There is one goat for you. Will you be so good, scald , as eat it?
PISTOL
Base Trojan, die.
FLUELLEN
You say very true, scald , when God’s will is. I will desire you to live in the mean time, and eat your victuals. Come, there is sauce for it. You call’d me yesterday mountain-squire; but I will make you today a squire of low degree. I pray you, fall to; if you can mock a leek, you can eat a leek.
GOWER
Enough, captain; you have astonish’d him.
FLUELLEN
I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, or I will peat his pate four days. Bite, I pray you; it is good for your green wound and your ploody coxcomb.
PISTOL
Must I bite?
FLUELLEN
Yes, certainly, and out of doubt and out of question too, and ambiguities.
PISTOL
By this leek, I will most horribly revenge. I eat and eat, I swear—
FLUELLEN
Eat, I pray you. Will you have some more sauce to your leek? There is not enough leek to swear by.
PISTOL
Quiet cudgel; see I eat.
FLUELLEN
Much good do you, scald , heartily. Nay, pray you, throw none away; the skin is good for your broken coxcomb. When you take occasions to see leeks hereafter, I pray you, mock at ’em; that is all.
PISTOL
Good.
FLUELLEN
Ay, leeks is good. Hold you, there is a groat to heal your pate.
PISTOL
Me a groat!
FLUELLEN
Yes, verily and in truth you shall take it; or I have another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat.
PISTOL
I take groat in earnest of revenge.
FLUELLEN
If I owe you anything I will pay you in cudgels. You shall be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but cudgels. God be wi’ you, and keep you, and heal your pate.
PISTOL
All hell shall stir for this.
GOWER
Go, go; you are a couterfeit cowardly . Will you mock at an ancient tradition, begun upon an honourable respect, and worn as a memorable trophy of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking and galling at this gentleman twice or thrice. You thought, because he could not speak English in the native garb, he could not therefore handle an English cudgel. You find it otherwise; and henceforth let a Welsh correction teach you a good English condition. Fare well.
PISTOL
Fortune play the huswife with me now?
News have I, that my Doll is dead i’ the spital
Of malady of France;
And there my rendezvous is quite cut off.
Old I do wax; and from my weary limbs
Honour is cudgell’d. Well, bawd I’ll turn,
And something lean to cutpurse of quick hand.
To England will I steal, and there I’ll steal;
And patches will I get unto these cudgell’d scars,
And swear I got them in the Gallia wars.